Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Lessons from the Young and the Old
Her dad then replied: “You’re old enough now, Charis.”
It was cute.
It also made me consider whether we, as adults, have ever asked ourselves when we have indulged in too much ____________ [insert your vice here]. Have we exercised enough self-control when what we have been guilty of indulging in has robbed us from time with God, time with family, time with friends?
~~~
For the past week, Nathaniel has gradually learned to sleep on his own. God has been so good to this family. I didn’t have to suffer too much. Just a few nights of crying, but the crying, with time and patience, was consolable. I’ll study his behavior for another week or so to see if this amazing behavior keeps up. When he’s tired now, it’s almost like he wants me to put him in his crib. All I have to do his put him there, turn on the mobile, and leave the room. Within ten to twenty minutes, when I go back to check on him again, he’s usually asleep, with little or no fussing.
It’s remarkable how good it makes me feel to know that Nathaniel is learning this one act of independence. I can’t imagine what will be ahead—when he begins to learn other things. To be honest, I’m the one who has to let go. At night, I feel comforted when he’s lying next to me: then I can hear his breathing, put covers on him when he’s kicked it off, hold back his arms when he’s scratching his own face in his sleep, etc. When he’s in the next room, it’s almost like I have to “trust” that he’s okay, even though I’m not there watching him every minute.
About a month ago, I emailed one of my seminary professors for parenting advice. I inquired about when discipline of a child begins. I had doubts about whether it was too early at this stage—or was I simply too scared to make sacrifices for Nathaniel’s own good? I wanted counseling from a Christian/biblical perspective—as that is the only perspective I can really trust. His response was what affirmed my resolve to begin training Nathaniel right away. God showed his grace by allowing me to witness results almost immediately. This gave me the impetus to persevere in doing what I was doing. And as I described above—the discipline was and is still working. (Praise the Lord!)
For any new mothers reading this blog, I am going to paste his advice below in case it might help you as well (my goodness, it’s almost 6:00 p.m.—Nathaniel has been sleeping since 2:30 p.m. I hope that doesn’t disrupt his sleep tonight):
Each child is unique, so no ready made formula will fit Nathaniel. However, if you stick to the basics, I cannot foresee any problems with him growing up to be the man he should be.
1. Infants need lots of interaction: conversing, playing, embracing, kissing, etc. You cannot overdo this.
2. Some structure should be in place early in the life of the child. We fed, changed, and played with them regularly; however, we also gave them a routine. We made them sleep at set times in the day when they were tired, established a regular bedtime at night, and yes, after a while we encouraged them to sleep through by refraining to pick them up, even though they cried. Bear in mind, first, we made sure that they were not sick, hungry or wet. Once we eliminated all of these, we resisted the urge to pick them up or let them sleep in our bed, a bad habit that is hard to cure! This latter decision caused us great angst, since the natural inclination is to respond immediately to the cry of your offspring. But we realized that children want constant attention, day and night, and that crying is the primary means of getting what they desire. So we had to make the painful choice at times not to respond, just because they cried.
Parents must balance their responsibilities to their infants, with their responsibilities to their spouses, extended family, and society as a whole. This structure, worked excellent for them and for us. We maintained our sanity! And by 7:30 at night, we could entertain in our homes or spend time as a couple, because our children were in bed asleep. As soon as our children realized that they would not get what they want just by crying, they gave up, slept or played with the toys in their environment. They also learnt that life was not all about them.
Now although there seems to be some benefit to this approach, it is only one approach. Thus, if you are uncomfortable with the advice you received, regarding feeding and sleeping through, you should explore other approaches that may be more acceptable to you.
3. The key to parenting, however, is consistency. Once you have established a set of rules, you should endeavour to abide by them. This will be useful for Nathaniel throughout his childhood years.
4. At the end of the day, this is your baby, not mom's, dad's, aunt Jane or uncle Ben. He is God's gift to you both; therefore, consult His Word for principles and trust His wisdom in tricky spots to guide you.
5. Remember, all parents make "mistakes" in parenting. Generally, these are overcome over the long run, if we love our children, instruct them in the right way, and live consistent and exemplary lives before them.
Bottom line: don’t stress yourself about getting it right. Enjoy your baby, encourage and reinforce good habits, trust him to the Lord in prayer, and just use plain old fashion common sense.
I am well aware, that this is more advice, precisely the problem you are having. Therefore, please feel free to discard all the above, except the part about the Lord!
My professor’s advice made me realize that I had to keep a bigger perspective in mind—and that included my family (especially my husband) and my spiritual life. Last night, Nathaniel fell asleep at 7:15 and woke at 12:05 a.m. As a result, Lee came home, and for the FIRST time in four months, he and I were able to spend time together in the evening without Nathaniel. In addition, for the past few days, I’ve had so much more time to read the Bible and write—two things I’ve been itching to do but had difficulty doing because of the short, short windows of sleep Nathaniel was getting.
I shall wait for what is to come in the next few weeks, but I shall give everything over to my God. Every step I take in parenting Nathaniel, I will hand over to my Father in Heaven. I offer all my thanks to Him, for He has proven Himself faithful again and again in my life.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Comfort in the Steadfastness of His Word
Just finished reading the book of Isaiah this morning.
Last night, when Nathaniel woke up only two hours after his last feeding—3:30 a.m.—I was determined not to feed him. I put up with an hour and a half of his crying before feeding him. The pacifier failed me. So did singing him a lullaby (although it had worked the night before). He was resolute in wanting to suck to sleep. My sister was right: the older he is, the stronger his will is. At least at three months, I had a chance of distracting him with some other activity, offering him an alternative.
Lying in bed, tired and exasperated by Nathaniel’s persistent crying, I find it easy to become skeptical about whether this is the way to go. It would be much more simple if I just fed him when he wanted (not need, want—there is a reason why he’s over 15 lbs at four months). If my job was simply to gratify his immediate demands so as to keep him happy all the time (as in, not crying), I wouldn’t have to be tormented by his howling discomfort. But I am relying and trusting the advice of my mom, my sister, and my close friends who are also new mothers: Nathaniel needs to learn to fall asleep on his own.
So as I was lying in bed in the early hours of the morning, I thought about the connection between what I have been reading in Isaiah and what I am experiencing. How God is unchangeable, always faithful, true to his promises. That amidst the darkness and chaos of sin, we can anchor our hope in his divine promises.
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out form my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, and it shall accomplish that which I purpose and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.” Isaiah 55:10-11
And as such, we can walk in obedience to God’s Word, even when we are facing challenges, temptations, self-doubt, and wonderment about whether we are going in the right way. Even when it is inconvenient or uncomfortable for us to do so. God’s Word provides magnificent assurance of what direction we are to head toward, what steps we are to take.
If it were not for some of the baby care books that I am reading or the advice of family and friends, I would, without hesitation, give in to Nathaniel’s demands (I’m pretty sure I will on the days when I can’t bear to hear his crying). One of the baby care books actually places emphasis on the necessity of teaching/disciplining a baby to fall asleep on his own: “If [the baby] isn’t able to fall asleep by himself by six months of age, the window of opportunity for learning this skill may not be open again for several months. After six months, he is likely to begin a normal phase known as separation anxiety, in which a mighty howl may erupt when you are out of his sight, especially at bedtime. As a result, if after six months he’s still used to being nursed, held, and rocked through several rounds of ‘Hey Diddle Diddle’ until he’s sound asleep, you can plan on repeating this ritual for months on end unless you are prepared to endure a vigorous and prolonged protest.” (Focus on the Family: The First Two Years, page 119-120)
Not that their words are anywhere close to the authority of God’s Word—but because of their expertise, their years of experience, their wisdom as mothers—their words do mean something, and as a result, their words give me the much needed strength and motivation to press on, though I lack the experience to discern and understand what lays ahead.
When I finish feeding Nathaniel on the rocking chair, and I look down to see a peaceful, sleeping baby resting on my lap, I can’t help but sigh and tell myself, Okay, get up. You have to put him in his crib, even if he wakes up and doesn’t go back to sleep, even if he has to cry himself to sleep. He can’t sleep on your lap forever. Oh—how much more simple it would be if I could just let him sleep on my lap, so he would get his much needed rest for the day.
I get the feeling that this is a snapshot of what disciplining a child will be like. It will require firmness, consistency, and love—coupled with a vision of Nathaniel’s future—that this is good for him, even if it is hard for me.
Lee and I pray every day for Nathaniel’s wellbeing. That God grant us wisdom and strength to raise him right. Oh how much we need his guidance.
Must stop blogging now. Nathaniel has been crying in his crib for the past forty minutes (as I am finishing this blog, he has just gone from crying to whimpering to silence... better go check on him...)
Monday, September 15, 2008
Night Wakings: No, Me
For some reason, the past few days, I’ve been hesitant about putting him in the crib. At four months, he seems to be going through “separation anxiety” of some sort. He’s crying much sooner when I put him down, and his lungs are much stronger now, because he’s crying much louder too. When I’m cooking or whatnot, I watch him—tears are streaming down his face and he’s got a serious, desperate look on his face. When I’m well-rested and healthy (as in, no blocked ducts), I feel like giving in and holding him.
His sleeping habits have been awful the past week. He’s waking up on average every two to three hours for a feeding. I’m beginning to wonder whether this is God’s way of telling me that I need to put him in the crib for the night. That Nathaniel is getting too used to having my being next to him that he thinks that “nighttime” means he gets an Open Bar for the next ten hours. I have to keep reminding myself of what my mom said about determination and persistence. I have to tell myself that I need to make short-term sacrifices for long-term gain. Sigh. Am I ready?
I have awful memories of swimming lessons during my younger days. Besides being made fun of by this one boy while I was doing the front crawl (I was always swimming too slowly and he always caught up to me from behind), I hated it when it came time to take turns to jump off the diving board. Because once you went up that ladder, there was no turning back, because all your peers wee waiting their turn. Then you walk up to the edge of the diving board, look down, down, down, at the waters below, and you pray hard that you don’t do a belly flop. This is the picture in my head when I think about putting Nathaniel in the crib permanently. “X” number of nights of crying, crying, crying. No sleep. No sleep. No sleep.
Since I’m continually being awakened by Nathaniel when I’m in deep sleep, I am remembering my dreams more. I can usually recall them during the day, and remember them vividly enough to share them with the husband. Lately, I’ve been having a lot of dreams where Lee is in “physical” trouble, and I do my best to try to save him, but I can’t. Last week, I told Lee that I had a dream that a big, muscular guy forced himself through the window on the driver’s side of our car and began strangling him. I was sitting on the passenger’s side, screaming, trying to pry the guy’s arms off Lee’s neck, but it was to no avail, Lee fell unconscious. Then Nathaniel woke me up. It was the scariest thing—because the dream had been so real. Then, the other night, I had a dream that I was in battle. All of us were clad in our armor. This fearsome soldier circulated the field, looking for Lee, ready to decapitate him, and here I was, running after the solider in an attempt to save Lee. I’m not sure, psychologically, what these dreams mean, but I’m supposing that it’s because, ever since Nathaniel has been born, I’ve grown much more dependent on Lee, and such dreams may be a manifestation of my fear of losing him.
Being awakened every few hours isn’t fun, especially when I can’t fall back sleep. On the bright side, as long as Nathaniel can fall back asleep, I can’t complain too much, I guess. Better him than me. During those insomniac moments, however, my mind wanders a lot, and I always hope that the next day, there might be a window for me to write it all down. Rarely does this happen, so since Nathaniel is sleeping, I’m trying to maximize my opportunity (though I really should be using this hard-won moment to shower…).
I just finished Dr. James Dobson’s Bringing up Boys today during my last feeding. I got so much insight from this book that it’s hard to know where to begin regarding expressing my response to it. I’ve been sharing a lot of it with Lee, and underlining the parts in the book that I hope Lee will pay attention to (he started reading it last night). It’ll also be interesting to hear his take on it when he’s done since he’s the BOY.
But since my time is always limited and I predict Nathaniel will wake up soon (whoa—he’s been sleeping for 40 minutes already!), I shall respond to the points Dr. Dobson makes in the order which he makes them in the book (so if I don’t tackle a point in this entry, it shall resurface in a future entry). I shall bring up the points that hit home regarding my own childhood upbringing.
My parents were “followers” of Dr. Dobson’s parenting principles as well. I remember in high school, I found Hide and Seek on their book shelf and went through it out of curiosity—in the book were my parents’ pencil marks on points they found important. So here I am, decades later, doing the exact same thing they did.
Chapter Five is entitled, “The Essential Father,” in which Dr. Dobson writes, “Let me emphasize again that boys suffer most from the absence or noninvolvement of fathers.” [Nathaniel awakens] He continues later by saying, a Father’s “legacy is like that of countless fathers who were too busy, too selfish, and too distracted to care for the little boys who reached for them… When a father is uninvolved—when he doesn’t love or care for his kids—it creates an ache, a longing, that will linger for decades.”
It’s this last part that hits a soft spot in my heart because I have come to experience that aching and longing. Thirty years old, and I still have trouble letting go of the fact that my dad didn’t spend enough time with us when we were kids. Enough so that the pains of my dad’s absence during my childhood years inspired many scenes in one of my short stories. I turned a painful truth in my past and gave it a fictionalized setting.
Granted, I have come to understand that perhaps my dad communicates his love to me differently. Perhaps providing for the family financially is his love language. Never did our family ever have to worry about shelter, food, education. My dad was (is) an ambitious, hard-working man. His being a visionary and successful businessman has led to his success in starting two big companies in the past two decades. He’s appeared in the Globe and Mail and the front cover of some magazine whose name I’ve already forgotten.
Perhaps one of the most heart-wrenching questions that haunted me during my childhood was this, “Did my dad love his work more, or me?” As a child, I never knew. He spent enough time at the office to make me think it was the former.
It is with this skeleton in the closet that makes all sorts of emotions surge inside me as I read Dr. Dobson’s words on the importance of a parent’s role in the home.
Of course, even before reading his book, I’ve always grown up wanting something different for my own future family (that’s what we all do, right?). When I was single, I was careful about which guys I was interested in. The one who appeared overly ambitious was the one that I tried to stay away from. I’m blessed to have Lee. He works hard—because he has to (as he says). But most of the time, when he comes home, I have no doubt that he’d rather be spending it there with me than anywhere else.
More on these thoughts later… Nathaniel’s crying is intensifying…
Friday, September 12, 2008
Baby and Marriage Snapshots & Lessons Learned
Even worse (grin), I decided to turn my “lemon” moment into “lemonade.” Nathaniel manages to turn his body all around, 90 degrees so that his feet are now kicking my back. I wind up edging myself closer to the bottom his feet, and I get a good twenty-minute massage out of it (he kicks pretty hard). After 45 minutes, when he finally starts to whine, I turn on the lights. I LOVE it. His big eyes gaze into mine. Blink. Blink. Smile. I melt. Okay—let’s not follow the rules of the baby care books tonight (no social interaction with the baby in the nighttime)—at 5:15 a.m., I’m talking back to the baby and tickling him, and having fun with him until six in the morning. Luckily, we sleep in that morning until eleven.
At the moment, I’m also breaking another rule. He’s sleeping on my lap right now (his fingers are twitching while he’s sleeping, it’s so cute). I know I should be hoisting him up and putting him in his crib and letting him cry until he takes his morning nap in his crib—but this morning, I don’t feel like doing that to him. I guess my mood changes from day to day. Sometimes I’m totally fine with disciplining him, and on some days, I can’t help but indulge him a little (often, this has a strong correlation to the amount of energy I have and how much I slept the night before).
Lee said something sweet to me the other night. During dinner, as I was serving him Beef, Potatoes and Carrots in Coconut Curry Sauce on Rice, he comments, “I have my chef back.” I smile. Month three was when I began to cook regularly again. I learned to split up my dinner preparation throughout the day to minimize Nathaniel’s crying (yes, he cries still every time I put him down to do household chores). First window: Wash and chop up vegetables. Second window: Marinade the meat. Third window: Cook rice, fill pots with water or what not. Fourth Window: Put dishes in dishwasher. Etc. Etc. Etc.
Now that I’m sleeping more, I’m back to taking joy in making Lee a nice, welcoming dinner. I know he works hard during the day, and I imagine it’s a great relief when he comes home and is greeted by the aroma of food cooking on the stove, slow cooker or oven. On my lazy days, of course, I’ve got frozen M & M’s in the freezer, frozen dumplings with instant noodles, or marinated meat for Lee to cook on the barbeque.
I heard a sermon in chapel last spring about the importance of looking for evidences of grace in our brothers and sisters. I have to remind myself quite often to do so with the husband. Sometimes, without knowing it, I wind up spending more time telling Lee what he should or shouldn’t do instead of raising him up. (The most popular phrase since Nathaniel came into the picture, “Shhhh… quiet, the baby’s sleeping!” It gets frustrating for the husband at times because he complains that it’s impossible to stay completely quiet all the time. Then I get frustrated at times because it takes so much effort to put a baby to sleep.) Of course, he says, now and then, he finds that I nag him, and I say, in my defense, that it’s “not” nagging, because if he remembered to do _______ (INSERT TASK) the first time around, there wouldn’t be any need to tell him again.
With a baby in the picture now, the frequency and need for both he and I to tell each other what to do (i.e., regarding household chores, errands to run, budget concerns, etc.) has increased—but we’ve learned better how to communicate to one another over the past several months—we express our wishes with much more courtesy, and have also learned to withhold our grievances when we realize it’s really not necessary to utter them.
During the first two months, for example, when Lee returned to work after two weeks of vacation, I became much more in tune with Nathaniel’s habits. Then, when Lee came home from work and I handed Nathaniel to him (while I began cooking dinner), I would hear Nathaniel crying and fussing. Lee would do his best to do this and that, but initially, at times, it was to no avail. During those months, here and there, I would give Lee specific instructions, thinking I was helping him (i.e., “No, hold him this way, not that way—he doesn’t like that,” or, “Don’t let him look at the television,” “Don’t diaper him too tightly,” etc.), until it came to the point when Lee snapped at me one night, “Stop criticizing me with everything I’m doing with the baby.” Then he had marched out of the room with Nathaniel in his arms.
I was upset at first, because I felt my intentions were good. But it was then that I had to learn to give my husband the freedom to learn for himself how to take care of Nathaniel. Now that Nathaniel is four months old, I realize even more the benefit of doing so. There is a special bond that Lee is capable of developing with Nathaniel that I cannot. First: a lot of the time, all I remind Nathaniel of is that I’m his source of food. Second: Lee can play with him in ways I cannot. I notice during his play with Nathaniel, that he’s a lot more “rough” with Nathaniel (at first, this scared me and I would keep telling Lee to be more gentle with him), but then I realized that it didn’t really bother Nathaniel (it bothered me more than it bothered him). Having learned this fact, I’m enjoying watching Father and Son play together a lot more. This was one of the crucial lessons that I learned these past months: keeping silent, learning to relax, letting the husband be his own when with his son. Since then, the doors have opened between he and Nathaniel—there are things that Lee does that makes Nathaniel laugh which I can’t do—and it’s that very fact that makes me enjoy watching them so much. (I'm in the middle of reading Dr. James Dobson's Bringing up Boys, which discusses the Father and Son relationship... more on this book when I'm done.)
Last night, as Nathaniel and I retired to bed at 9:30 p.m., I say good night to my husband. I say sweetly to him, “Can I get a hand massage before I go to sleep?” My husband, then says, “Say something nice about me first” (he likes to say that playfully to me whenever I ask him for services such as these), so I say, in an equally playful manner, “You’re really good-looking.” He shakes his head. “No, that’s not genuine. I want something genuine.” “Okay, okay,” I pause, and think about it. Then I say, “I’ve noticed in the past two weeks, you’ve grown a lot more patient.” When he begins massaging my hand, I know that he deems my statement genuine.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Making Time for Worship
Ever since Nathaniel has been born, it has been a challenge to sit through a complete church service or fellowship gathering. Only once in the past four months has he fallen asleep during an entire service. As a result, it’s hard to feel like I’ve “worshipped” on Sunday’s. Initially, I borrowed my dad’s CD series of Rev. Charles Price sermons to listen to in the car during the week to make up for it. It has helped somewhat—at least I feel I’m still learning about God’s Word.
Lee and I have been trying to attend our career fellowship, but it’s the same—the weekend evening start time no longer works for us when the baby gets fussy as soon as it nears eight or nine in the evening. Plus, I don’t think it’s very fair to Nathaniel to impose our “adult schedule” on him. Babies take comfort in familiarity and routine.
It’s a bit better when the fellowship program is at our house. Lee and I used to lead Bible studies together, but now it’s all him while I’m busy keeping the baby quiet as he is leading (boy do my arms and wrist hurt by the end of the evening!). This past Saturday, he led a Bible study on Joshua 23 (we’ve been focusing on the book of Joshua since the winter).
I have to admit—one of the things about breastfeeding now is that, on the occasion, I feel cut off from the rest of the group. I love a good conversation, and I love a good discussion during an interactive fellowship program—so to have to leave mid-way to feed Nathaniel for half an hour—takes some getting used to, especially since I love listening to my husband whenever he has to lead a program. Which is what happened again this past Saturday. I sat on the rocking chair upstairs in the master bedroom and tried to listen to the discussion going on downstairs, but couldn’t make it out. All the while, I’m looking at Nathaniel, hoping he’d eat faster so I could go back downstairs again. I had to remind myself at that point that Nathaniel comes first now, and for me to focus on feeding him rather than tending to my own yearnings.
As it grew closer to nine, I put Nathaniel in the crib, hoping he would fall asleep so I could join the final portion of the Bible study. Of course, it didn’t work, he was crying his head off, which I’m sure probably vexed some of the fellowship attendees (his crying ringing throughout the house—really no need for a baby monitor). When I sat down in the family room to join the group, I realized Lee’s Bible was closed already. “You’re finished?” I asked. He looked at me. “Pretty much,” he said. I put my hand gently on my husband's back, then whispered, “Can you get Nathaniel ready for bed then, and I’ll lead the prayer portion?” He nodded and went upstairs. The group then began to share our prayer requests and praises.
The reason I felt a need to blog was that, in these short twenty minutes of prayer sharing and group prayer, I had felt a deep sense of spiritual intimacy with the group—which I hadn’t felt since before Nathaniel was born. I appreciated it so much, and valued the spiritual thirst of the brothers and sisters there.
One of the couples who attended are expecting a baby in January, and it came to me that perhaps we could start our own small group with them next year (an English speaking small group for “new parents” does not exist yet in our church). I shared this with Lee that night and he concurred. The next day at church, I spoke to the Father-to-be, and he said that the idea came upon them as well after Saturday night’s program. Of course, both of us have to pray about this possible new direction—but I am amazed at how quickly God has answered my prayer.
Nathaniel’s intense crying has turned to fussing. Let’s hope he’s beginning to fall asleep.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Sipping my tea...
Believe it or not, I’m sitting at my writing desk, enjoying chocolate biscuits and tea while Nathaniel is asleep in his crib. So far, the scheduling of his nap times is working—he cried a lot yesterday, but only fussed for fifteen minutes or so today before falling asleep. Of course, his naps range anywhere from 20 minutes to three hours (average time is 35 minutes), so this blog is going to be brief.
I’ve been feeling guilty about not being disciplined in working on my master’s thesis. My topic is on Anne Steele. During Nathaniel’s first month, I was so excited about getting started, I had ordered a number of books online for research and even have a copy of her poetry and hymns now. Three months have passed, and I should have read more than I have. I’ve successfully cut daytime television-watching while breastfeeding (though I can’t help but check my email, surf on facebook, and read the daily news every morning)—and yesterday was my first attempt at doing 45 minutes of reading of J.R. Broome’s biography of Anne Steele during Nathaniel’s nap. I know that with these incredibly short naps of his, it’ll take me forever to make any headway on my thesis—which is why the daily discipline is so necessary. O God, please keep me disciplined.
I just want to share about the quality time the husband and I are finally having since Nathaniel was born. Not that it wasn’t there before, but I’ve witnessed a drastic difference in the past couple of weeks, mainly as a result of Nathaniel’s decrease in crying and fussing. Most noticeably, dinners are accompanied by less crying now that Nathaniel is spending more time trying to socialize with us. It’s the cutest thing—he alternates sitting on Daddy and Mommy’s laps during dinner, all the while making all sorts of sounds, trying to join in on our conversation.
Of course, given all the time I spend with Nathaniel, he naturally sticks to me or his gaze most often follows me when there are many people in a room. But now that he’s become more observant, he watches Daddy a lot, while he’s shaving, gelling his hair (the change table is in our master bedroom ensuite, so it can be pretty busy in the bathrooms in the morning when all of us are in there).
Last night, I transferred a sleeping Nathaniel into Daddy’s arms so that I could cook. Daddy sat in the rocking chair for half an hour in the darkness, sipping his Pepsi until I finished. Then, before bedtime, as Nathaniel laid on our bed, he stared at Daddy, and talked to him in long, extended huh’s and coo’s.
I must admit, when other mother-friends visited us during the first month, and saw our then six-pound son, they would let out an “Awwww,” then give a yearning look to their husbands, whispering, “I want another one” (funny, the husbands aren't usually as enthusiastic, their look is more one of anxiety). I was perplexed at first, wondering why they would yearn for that challenging first month, when my husband and I were completely sleep-deprived and had few moments to enjoy to ourselves.
Not that I have forgotten all the pain associated with labor, nor those sleepless nights, nor the splitting headaches, listening to hours of Nathaniel’s crying—but, after three months, I am already experiencing nostalgia. I look back at the photos and can’t believe that it has only been three months. The past few days, I have felt a surge of sadness, realizing how quickly Nathaniel is growing, and how quickly he will grow out of this stage and move onto the next, asserting more of his independence with each day (crawling, walking, etc.).
I just feel so blessed to be a Mother. I have no idea what God has planned for me, whether He plans on giving Nathaniel a sibling to play with one day—but I’ve enjoyed the process so far, and I find it amazing that this is how God has everything designed. Everything is a process that is to be unraveled, and we humans, with limited vision, are granted the chance to be part of these miraculous moments, watching them unravel ever so slowly—enough so that we appreciate the process.
Let’s see what time we have left of Nathaniel’s nap for me to do some more reading…
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
A Lesson on Motherhood
Nathaniel is past three months old. When my husband and I attended baby care classes prior to his birth, the nurse had stressed that a baby three months of age could not be spoiled. The same message was found in many of the baby care books that I had been reading.
I realized that as tiring as these past three months have been—to be told that I am to meet every need of Nathaniel’s— whether he was hungry, whether he needed to be held, whether he needed to be played with—was, in some sense, the “easier” part. Now the question is: What happens after the three months?
That is, now that he is 14+ pounds, is “too many feedings” possible? Is “holding him too much” possible? Is pampering him too much possible? Could I no longer rush to tend to his every need—that any of these indulgences might interrupt his sleeping patterns, learning, and overall behavioral development?
These questions and self-doubt creep in upon a deluge of advice from family, friends, relatives, even strangers. One extreme advice I received recently: to leave Nathaniel in his crib at night and ignore his cry for hunger, and after one week, he is certain to sleep through the night. Such a thought frightened me—as I could never think of doing such a thing.
I confess that Nathaniel has been sharing a bed with me since Day 1. He has usurped his father’s place, and the husband is waiting patiently to get it back. Right now, the husband is sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa bed in the next room. Of course, initially, it was more convenient to have the baby close to me—no need to get up at wee hours of the morning to feed the baby. Simply turn over. When baby was done, turn back over. But I have been warned by experienced mothers of the consequences of prolonging this practice—expect Nathaniel to be sleeping with me until he is two. So right now—I am gathering up the energy to return him to his crib very soon… this means more crying in the night time and less sleep for me. When am I ready to endure such hardship for long-term benefits? Oh… not yet, I confess. Just a little bit longer, I say, not wanting to dwell on the possible consequences of my actions.
I included the passage from Titus because I believe I genuinely witnessed it yesterday. My mom had called me Monday morning to ask me how I was. How was taking care of Nathaniel? We had had a celebration dinner of Nathaniel’s birth on Saturday, the sixteenth, and she said she had observed that I hadn’t been able to eat my dinner in peace, as I was constantly tending to Nathaniel. My reaction to her observation was one of surprise since this disposition has become the norm for me. Even when I am conversing with friends or eating a meal, my eye is always on him, whether he is crying or happy.
Then my mom invited me over to her house the next day. So on Tuesday, I wound up spending the entire day at her house.
My mom had been holding Nathaniel for some time, and then she had put him down in the play pen. No complaints after 15 minutes. I was watching him, as I was eating an apple pie my mom had baked. He’s going to cry soon, I think to myself.
Nathaniel whimpers now and then while lying in the play pen. Though tired, my instinct is to rush to his side. But my mom tells me to leave him alone. I do so. After about 45 minutes to an hour, Nathaniel falls asleep without any real complaint or crying. I’m flabbergasted. I say to my mom, “There must be something about your house—because he doesn’t do this at home,” I say, not having witnessed such “good” behavior.
“Maybe there’s something you’re doing that doesn’t make him feel at peace,” my mom says.
At first, I’m offended. “No, he’s at peace with me. I put him to bed like you do—but first he cries his head off and then he falls alseep.”
My mom advises me to start putting him in the crib--for Nathaniel’s own good, and for my marriage. She admits that she made that mistake with my younger brother. "I let him sleep with me for too long in the beginning. He refused to leave my room until he was four. Do you remember that?" She advises me that I have to remember to care for Lee too. So I say to my mom, “Okay, I’ll try to do it.”
“No,” my mom corrected, “Not ‘try.’ You have to be determined to do it. You have to have the mindset to do it—and then you execute it, consistently,” she says. And then she begins to recount the difficult days when she had to discipline me and my sister. “Do you know how exhausting it is to have to consistently exercise discipline? But you have to do it.”
Another confession. I’ve been going out almost on a daily basis with Nathaniel for the past month. First, because the days pass by more quickly for me. Second, because the stroller rides put Nathaniel to sleep (easier to push a stroller than to hold a 14 pound baby for an hour). To be determined not to go out, and to stay home and be ready to listen to Nathaniel’s crying, and tend to him for hours on end without any external props--car rides, stroller rides, etc.--(except the crib), would require much more effort. My mom was right: I had to be determined to do it.
Today, Nathaniel and I wake up at 8:00 a.m. I spend the morning having a conversation with him, until he gets bored and begins to cry. I put him on the changing station and then give him a bath. After I eat breakfast, I feed him, and shortly after, I put him in his crib.
He looked at me initially, with that adorable pout and those needy eyes, as if saying, “No, you’re not going to leave me here are you?” I touch his tummy, smile at him, and then I leave the room, closing the door behind me.
Yesterday, my sister advised me that when you start sleep training the baby, you have to find something to do while he fusses and cries—otherwise, it becomes too heart-wrenching to sit there and watch and listen to him cry. So I do. I start cleaning the kitchen—all the while with the baby monitor on. He whimpers now then, but no intense crying. Forty-five minutes later, after I’ve finished cleaning, I go check on Nathaniel. He is sleeping peacefully in his crib.
Praise the Lord. I had begun to pray more intensely regarding the decisions I make with Nathaniel. At first, it was simply that God might save Nathaniel’s soul—and if it was in God’s will, that He do so early. Now, I had begun to hand over even the most trivial items to Him. “God, can you even care for the little details in this family—things like blocked ducts, Nathaniel’s sleeping patterns, and the attention I must pay to my husband?” So quickly God has answered my prayers. Brought people into my life that are able to teach me.
I’m not saying that tomorrow I will be just as successful at putting Nathaniel to sleep. But I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—I believe these moments are evidences of God’s grace. He gives you just enough to help you keep going, to deliver you from any sense of helplessness or insecurity.
So for the first time, I am not blogging with Nathaniel sleeping in my arms or in my lap. He is in his own room, in his own crib. Halfway through this blog, half an hour into his nap, I had heard him crying, but I pressed on, continued to type, tried not to rush to his side right away. After ten minutes, Nathaniel fell back asleep.
I've decided to begin sleep training Nathaniel a little bit at a time--for his benefit and mine. We'll start with the morning nap first and perhaps slowly ease into the afternoon nap, and then the night time sleep routine. It'll be tempting to steer away from this schedule, so I'll have to recall my mom's wise words.
Oh Lord, thank you for this teeny tiny victory. May you watch over me and Lee. Teach us how to train our son well. Thank you for the enormous love you have for our family—that you pay attention to even the little decisions in any given day. May you teach me and Lee to be a reflection of your love to Nathaniel.
Thank you for blessing me with my mom and my sister who have given me so much support these past months. Thank you for your Holy Word. That it stands the test of time. That it speaks to Mothers even to this day.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Random Reflections on a Friday Morning
The other day I was going through our computer, sifting through the pictures and video clips we had taken of Nathaniel. How much he’s grown. Even though very little time has passed, it’s amazing how easy you forget just how small he was (especially before the baby fat came in—he’s gone from 6 lbs 14 oz to 13 lbs now… he’s got two chins and no neck).
One of the baby care books that I read had said that Week 6 was when it would become easier. So I remember that in that first month, I was anticipating for Week 6 to come. What made it easier, besides longer stretches of sleep during the night (still not long enough though!), was that in Week 6, Nathaniel began to smile and talk. Tears filled my eyes, when one day, lying on the change table, Nathaniel began to talk to me, making noises in response to the questions I regularly posed in my high-pitched voice.
“Do you think you’re the cutest baby in the world?” I asked him, as I stared into his big eyes and bright smile.
He let out a baby grunt, “huh.” Which I translated as, “Yes.”
Then came the aah’s and the coo’s after every question I asked him.
Such beautiful music to a Mother’s ears.
Two days ago, I woke up with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. I was also trying to get over my third blocked duct in the past two months—which caused me to develop a fever. My initial fear was that Nathaniel would catch my sickness, and I instantly prayed to God that He would shelter my son from my germs. The other difficult task was taking care of Nathaniel when I had barely enough energy to feed myself. His crying was giving me a headache—so much so that I resorted to laying him on the crib for 40 minutes, where he cried non-stop. When the guilt kicked in, I went into his room and picked him up again, and his crying instantly stopped, but he was still breathing hard and whimpering, as if still reliving his feeling of abandonment in the crib.
It moved me when I considered Nathaniel’s absolute trust and dependence on me, even when it was me who had laid him on the crib in the first place. All those times I set him down, left the room, so that I could cook, vacuum, or do whatever household chores I needed to do—he would cry and cry and cry, but would just as easily stop when I came to his side.
I love the setup in our master bedroom. I’ve got three bookshelves against the walls, lined with hundred of books. A writing desk positioned against the far wall, by the window, which overlooks the backyard and a forest. For my birthday, Lee had bought me a rocking chair (at my request), which sits next to my writing desk, which makes feeding Nathaniel all the more comfortable. I’ve got all sorts of books laid out next to me, depending on what “reading mood” I’m in—the Bible, an anthology of short stories, Anne Steele’s collection of hymns (for the thesis I have to begin writing soon), and my journal. I started reading Frederick Buechner’s Telling Secrets two days ago, and finished it this morning (I was able to because Nathaniel fell sleep in my arms after feeding). It was upon reading his memoir that gave me an inclination to blog again. His recounting of his personal journey of dealing with his father’s suicide when he was a child and his daughter’s anorexia when he was a Father stirred many thoughts.
For one, Death. I remember during those first few weeks of taking care of Nathaniel, I would stare at him with so much intensity that I began to fear what might happen to him as he got older. To what extent I would protect him, never let him out of my sight. Then I thought about the Holly Jones and the Cecilia Zhangs, and the two friends from my past high school church fellowship that never made it past their twenties. I was deeply saddened—so much so that I began to pray for their parents, for their healing. I imagine that time itself may lessen the pain, but I can’t imagine the pain ever disappearing. And just as Buechner had touched upon it in his memoir, such fears and experiences of suffering inevitably lead the Christian back to God’s sovereignty. As he puts it:
As I understand it, to say that God is mightily present even in such private events as these does not mean that he makes events happen to us which move us in certain directions like chessmen. Instead, events happen under their own steam as random as rain, which means that God is present in them not as their cause but as the one who even in the hardest and most hair-raising of them offers us the possibility of that new life and healing which I believe is what salvation is. For instance I cannot believe that a God of love and mercy in any sense willed my father’s suicide; it was my father himself who willed it as the only way out available to him from a life that for various reasons he had come to find unbearable… I can speak with some assurance only of how God was present in that dark time for me in the sense that I was not destroyed by it but came out of it with scars that I bear this day, to be sure, but also somehow the wiser and the stronger for it. Who knows how I might have turned out if my father had lived, but through the loss of him all those long years ago I think that I learned something about how even tragedy can be a means of grace that I might never have come to any other way. As I see it, in other words, God acts in history and in your and my brief histories not as the puppeteer who sets the scene and works the strings but rather as the great director who no matter what role fate casts us in conveys to us somehow form the wings, if we have our eyes, ears, hearts open and sometimes even if we don’t, how we can play those roles in a way to enrich and ennoble and hallow the whole vast drama of things including our own small but crucial parts in it. (pp. 31-32)
Then I began to think about my own parents. My mom’s birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and my dad’s birthday is in two weeks. But it isn’t their birthdays that make me feel like time is passing by too quickly—it’s mine. I turned thirty last month. The sound of “thirty,” I realize, has an awful ring to it, at least to me. I quietly said “thirty-one” to myself the other day, and even that number didn’t sound as bad as “thirty.” Upon thinking about my age, I thought about Nathaniel, when he turns twenty one day (God willing), and suddenly my life flashed before my eyes. I began to picture myself at fifty, then I began to think about my parents’ age when I turned fifty… and then I grew sad again, grappling with the fact that, one day, just as Buechner had lost his parents, that one day, I would lose mine.
Of course, this thought has come to me before—but always—the thought is so horrible that I don’t dwell on it for long. One thing I do think about, however, is how or what, in this life, I could do, to prevent any regrets when that day comes. Spend more time with them. Engage in deeper discussions. Reminisce on the past. Stir up buried memories, unspoken ones, honest ones (one of the themes in Buechner’s memoir). Is it even possible to prevent regrets? With death—given that we are human and therefore fallible—are regrets inescapable?
The thing is—my parents are faithful Christians—and so—when the day comes—I know it will not be the end. Yet even so—I nonetheless feel sadness. Sometimes, I wonder whether my inability to let go of those who have passed away who have put their faith in Jesus Christ is a reflection of how small my faith still is—as if, even during such times when Heaven should be ever so close to my heart, that it is not enough to assuage such devastating loss. God forgive me. I do believe. I do.
Motherhood has altered TIME completely. How it’s spent, that is. While in seminary, the majority of my time was spent relishing in the lectures in my classes, listening to sermons in chapel, conversing with my classmates, passing quiet evenings with my husband—and of course, studying and writing papers.
While Nathaniel is taking up all my time now, and I have to live with the fact that the dark circles under my eyes aren’t going to go away any time soon—there is much more opportunity to enjoy leisure reading, watching movies (most recently, August Rush and Atonement, which I really enjoyed), and seeing family and friends. At the same time, with these little “windows” here and there to choose what I want to do, I realize it is also very tempting and very easy to “waste” those windows (i.e., watching useless programs on television during the day.) After two months, I reminded myself that I better make wiser decisions regarding what to do with my time—because you never know when that time might be gone. With a baby, your schedule is unpredictable.
Some people have asked me how different my life is now compared to before. What is more tiring—seminary or baby? I have to say—while the deadlines in school are stressful—the conditions are at least controllable. With a baby, you cannot control the variables. You are at the mercy of the baby’s schedule (I love you, Nathaniel)—even when you try to impose a schedule—you can only do so much (so far, at two months of age).
But God is good. There are days when taking care of Nathaniel are really difficult, the worse was, of course, this week, when I was sick. But there are also good days, though they are few, when there is minimal crying, and a lot more sleeping, smiling, talking, and other unexpected surprises (i.e. Nathaniel staring cross-eyed at a stuffed animal, Nathaniel looking at himself in the mirror and smiling as if he knows what he’s looking at—“Man, that’s a good-looking baby,” he must be thinking— Nathaniel falling asleep on his own for an extended period without the aid of rocking or nursing). I believe that these moments are manifestations of God’s grace—His way of reminding me in my tiredness and frustration and fear of inadequate mothering of the beauty of raising one of His own.
We believe in God—such as it is, we have faith—because certain things happened to us once and go on happening. We work and goof off, we love and dream, we have wonderful times and awful times, are cruelly hurt and hurt others cruelly, get mad and bored and scared stiff and ache with desire, do all such human things as these, and if our faith is not mainly just window dressing or a rabbit’s foot or fire insurance, it is because it grows out of precisely this kind of rich human compost. The God of biblical faith is the God who meets us at those moments in which for better or worse we are being most human, most ourselves, and if we lose touch with those moments, if we don’t stop form time to time to notice what is happening to us and around us and inside us, we run the tragic risk of losing touch with God too.
Frederick Buechner, Telling Secrets, pp. 35-36
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Exhaustion's Little "Moments"
There are exhausting days, and then there are really exhausting days.
It appears as though I have passed down my insomnia to Nathaniel. Family and friends who come over are perplexed that I have a newborn that doesn’t sleep very much. He can’t seem to nap for over an hour, which leaves me utterly drained. Sometimes, he can be up throughout the entire morning—and I have to wonder how this little guy is able to have more energy than me.
Feeling sorry for the sleep-deficient fella, I’ve made every effort to try to coax him to sleep—walking around the house with him dozens of times, even holding him in my arms for an hour, two hours so that at least one of us gets his much needed sleep. (Thanks to my sweet Nathaniel, I’ve lost most of my pregnancy weight, barely able to sleep and eat, carrying him around like dumbbells for hours on end…)
People are telling me I’m spoiling him. I’m a bit confused now. Every baby care book I’ve read so far (I’ve gone through at least four now and am amazed at how many differing opinions are out there) has stressed that a baby under three months old cannot be spoiled—including the nurse who coached me and my husband on prenatal care at the hospital. The first three months are to fulfill the newborn’s every need as he adapts to the world outside of his formerly comfortable womb. Doing so, they say, develops trust between mother and child and nurtures confidence in him. Yet I’m being told by many to leave him crying in his crib so that he can learn not to be so “naughty.”
This afternoon—I tried to do that. I watched the clock, let him cry for 10 minutes in his crib before I went to him (it’s hard when his face turns all red, his nose begins to get clogged, tears run down his face, and his crying becomes so intense that it almost goes silent for several seconds). When I entered the room finally, I didn’t even have to hold him: all I had to do was hover over the crib and touch him, and he stopped—instantly. People would have described this as “manipulative”—that he wasn’t hungry, didn’t need a diaper change, so all he needed was to be close to me. But isn’t needing to be close to me a need too? What else does Nathaniel have for comfort? All he needed was for me to be there. What am I to do? Experienced mothers, help!
When all sleep-coaxing tactics appear to have been expended, God shows his grace to the energy-depleted mother. Like I said, there are the really hard days when it feels like I haven’t had a wink of sleep nor any time to myself. But then, at some point, God grants the mother a “moment”—like a flicker of light in the darkness—enough to let the mother persevere.
The other day, the husband and I are sitting in bed conversing about our day while Nathaniel is feeding. After several minutes of feeding, Nathaniel draws himself away from feeding, and looks at me, flapping his hand at me. He then takes my finger and grips it tightly. The husband doesn’t believe it. “No, that’s just a coincidence. He doesn’t know how to do that yet.” So I let go to see if Nathaniel will do it again. He does it again two more times. After thirty seconds or so, Nathaniel returns to his feeding.
At that moment, I was deeply touched—believing that it had MEANT something to Nathaniel when he heard BOTH his mother and father’s voices together—as if he wanted to be part of that intimate moment too—time with the family.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
A Grand Perspective
During night time feedings these days, I find myself skimming parts of it for encouragement. Despair can get the best of you when your baby’s cry turns into a piercing one, and every time Nathaniel decides to try my patience, I seem to be playing a continual game of “process of elimination.” And when you think you’ve eliminated all possibilities, yet the crying persists, frustration gradually seeps into your veins.
Nathaniel already feels heavier in my arms, and it has only been two and a half weeks. He’s learned to turn his head, survey his surroundings, even let out the occasional coo. Though I anticipate the day he learns to smile or communicate with me, I ought to remember Mahaney’s words below, which compel me to hold onto him evermore tightly, as I contemplate the transience of his newborn days:
“Have you numbered your days lately? If we pause to count the remaining days we have with our children, we will realize how few there are. This awareness will help to safeguard us from neglecting a tender love.” (p. 60)
And of course, the biggest perspective I need for motherhood is the truth below.
“What is the ultimate purpose of a phileo kind of love? It is nothing less than the salvation of our children’s souls. This is the chief end of mothering. Our goal is not that our children be happy, fulfilled, and successful. Granted, we may desire these things for them. But our highest objective should be that our children would repent from their sins, put their trust in Jesus Christ, and reflect the gospel to the world around them… While the salvation of our children is our highest aim, our tender love is not sufficient for the task. Only the Holy Spirit is able to reveal the truth of the gospel. However, our tender love can be an instrument in God’s hands.” (P. 61)
Oh how I long for Nathaniel to grow up and learn to love the Lord—to find his assurance in his faith in Jesus Christ, his joy in living the Christian life, his whole life’s desire to be a godly one.
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
Psalm 127:3-4
So teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.
Return, O Lord! How long?
Have pity on your servants!
Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love,
that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.
Psalm 90:12-14
Monday, May 19, 2008
Motherhood, Week 1: At a Glance
It’s amazing what can transpire in a week. In any ordinary week the past year, I might have completed some errands, managed to tend to some household chores, or finished an assignment or studying for a test. But since Mother’s Day, my husband and I had brought a miracle into this world and suffered through a week of what many experienced parents have warned us about—sleep deprivation.
Though I itch to document every detail of the labour and the complete journey of my first week as a mother—I write, knowing that, at any moment, Nathaniel may waken and so I must be selective regarding what thoughts to record.
Especially those first few days, it is easy to be overcome with emotion—elation as the doctor pulls him out and to suddenly see a fully grown baby in the arms of the nurse, suspended in the air above me—tears swell inside me as well as disbelief. Then the first night, being the inexperienced mother that I am (you can read all the books you can and still feel unprepared…), not knowing Nathaniel just yet, frustration gradually takes over. I worry. Worry about the mucous in his nostrils. His hesitation in feeding. His piercing cry. When my husband goes home to get sleep that first night, and I am alone in Room 237 at the hospital, against the background of other crying newborns, I utter many prayers. Please God, teach baby to suck. Please God, make him sleep. Please God, help me do this. That first night, I sang as many songs as I could for the baby—and in my mind, it worked. At “My Jesus I Love Thee…” or “I Lift My Eyes Up…” the baby would be soothed. And then I tell myself, I can do this, I can do this.
Nathaniel is now eight days old. The hope, comfort, and consolation that I have is that it gets better with each day. Each morning and afternoon and night is a chance to learn something new about Nathaniel. What his habits are. What he dislikes. What he likes. And every day is a chance for another little victory. And though externally circumstances may appear to be routine—feed, diaper change, play, sleep—motherhood is an internal battle: you start the morning gathering up the determination to do things better today, to be more efficient with time, to pay a little more attention to the husband (I had realized last night, that since the baby had been born, I hadn’t even been able to give the husband a hug), to prepare yourself a little more for the long trek ahead—and to remember to fit God into it all. Because PRAYER is so critical at this time—time alone with God, and time with the husband with God. Therein lays the power. To be entrusted with this life by the One above (Nathaniel is Hebrew for “God has given”)—so that all those images that run through the imagination can be rightly anchored.
As for marriage. The week prior to Nathaniel’s birth, the husband and I went on as many “dates” as possible. We watched Iron Man, ate out, and went for Gelato and Chinese desserts at around midnight— activities we knew we wouldn’t be able to do once the baby came. Three and a half years of marriage and I’m more in love with my husband than I have ever been. I rarely tire from hearing him laugh while watching television, going for evening walks around the neighborhood, feeling his embrace, chatting with him at night before both of us fall asleep.
And then the baby comes and the REAL test is—how is your marriage when both of you are running on virtually no sleep? How is your temperament? How do you fare in the patience department? Are you still expressing kindness and consideration toward one another?
Are you still exercising the same love--if not deeper? And if not--PRAY. God is the source of the ultimate sacrificial love. Without Christ as the example, we are left to our own selfish instincts. We need the Spirit to rouse us, to remind us of the beauty, the miracle of all that is happening. For as much as the nights seem to drag as Nathaniel wakes every hour or two for attention--deep down, I know these days will not last long and I must savour them just as much as I long for them to pass.
The husband is watching Nathaniel now. He went to the gym this morning, and now, it’s a chance for me to have some alone time. Our new family of three is a little more settled this week—compared to the desperation and chaos of last week. We’ve somewhat established a routine—though we’re still learning together. The husband only has one more week of vacation and then he’s back to work—which is why I want this week to go by as slowly as possible.
Better get some rest before Nathaniel’s next feeding.
Friday, March 07, 2008
Notes on a Pregnancy Part II
- No one lets you lift a thing (and the weight of the item seems to be inconsequential, even if the item is less than 10 lbs)
- Strangers open doors for you with a smile
- People are more wary of your quick, jerky movements than you are (I hear “Don’t run!” numerous times on a weekly basis)
- Doesn’t matter how late you are, when you enter a room, you’re always offered the best seat in the house
- Offers of future cooking and babysitting by church friends because, they say, once the baby comes, you won’t have time to do anything
- Any act of laziness or passivity on my part is easily dismissed by those around me—“Well, you’re pregnant.”
- Any excess or unhealthy calories consumed by me is easily excused by those around me—“Well, you’re pregnant.”
And the most popular questions posed in the past few months regarding the pregnancy:
1. Experiencing any cravings?
None at all. I’ve always craved junk. Pregnancy hasn’t changed anything.
2. Is it a boy or girl?
20-week ultrasound says it’s a boy (can’t turn back—we’ve already got the baby room painted).
3. How are you feeling?
I splurged on baby clothes the other week. I’ve laid the little sleepers and outfits in the baby room. I can’t help but sneak into the room every now and then and stare at the clothes, imagining a tiny body filling them (really, they’re that tiny?). Of course, then I think of labor, and I cringe—the husband seems to have the same reaction too, though his is tinged with pity. (My good friend's five-year-old said to me this past weekend, "When you have your baby—it's going to really hurt...")
Physically—fatigue (final exams aren’t too far away, agh!); Emotionally—excitement mixed with quiet fear of the unknown; Spiritually—perpetual awe of God’s creation and peace when the husband prays with me for our future family.
4. How's Lee feeling about becoming a father?
You’ll have to ask him yourself. But it warms my heart to see him try to interact with the baby (especially when he witnesses the surface of my tummy ripple, sometimes even shift from one side to the other.)
More reasons to marvel at life inside the womb—this is what’s written in my pregnancy book, Conception, Pregnancy & Birth: The Childbirth Bible for Canadian Parents:
“While she is still in your uterus, your baby feels, hears, sees, tastes, responds, and even learns and remembers. She is not, contrary to decades of medical opinion, an inert, unformed, blank personality. She has firm likes and dislikes. She enjoys soothing voices, simple music with a single melody line (lullabies, flue music), rhythmic movements, and feeling you stroke her through your abdomen… Your baby experiences…also your feelings, because our various emotions trigger the release of certain chemicals in our bloodstream: Anger releases adrenalin, fear releases cholamines, elation releases endorphins. These chemicals pass across the placenta to your baby within seconds of your experiencing the corresponding emotion… Babies dislike being exposed to prolonged levels of negative maternal emotions, such as anger, anxiety, or fear…” (192-193)
"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made..." Romans 1:20
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Notes on a Pregnancy
Almost six months pregnant and there are times when I still can’t believe there’s a living, breathing being inside of me. In my quieter moments, when I remember to utter a prayer of thankfulness to the Almighty Creator, I can’t help but be brought to tears.
This growing baby that responds to voices, disturbances to the womb, music… this baby that dances around in his amniotic sac, waves his arms, flips and turns… Every one of these movements testifies to the Giver of Life...
At the first sight of the ultrasound at 13 weeks, rather than erupting into tears, my body shook—perhaps a physical manifestation of absolute wonder. (In this instant, abortion is an unthinkable, horrifying thought.) Our obstetrician allows us first-time parents to feast our eyes on the screen for almost fifteen minutes. He then narrates, making the novel experience even more emotional: When the baby moves its arms, the obstetrician says: “Now saluting Dad…” When the baby faces downward, knees bent, arms still, he says: “Now in prayer…”
One night, shortly after taking the home pregnancy test and sharing with Lee the news, I find him next to me, lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, silent. I ask, “What’s wrong?” He hesitates at first, then says, “It just needs to sink in, that’s all.”
Watching the gradual changes in my husband is part of the beauty of this pregnancy. To witness a grown man stoop down, put his lips against my tummy, and holler “Hello?! Can you hear me?” is priceless. At one o’clock on Christmas morning, the baby decides to give Daddy a gift—Lee feels him kick for the first time.
At such times I begin to think about why God has us wait nine months before seeing the baby. And now I realize that the miracle lies not only on the day of the baby’s birth, but the miracle lies also in the wait. When husband and wife are given time to worry and be excited at the same time. When husband and wife are given time to dream up their future life together. When husband and wife are humbled, realizing that the only way to anticipate surviving parenthood is to submit all cares to God.
After all, we are responsible for the wellbeing of a whole other life. What a task—a task that, while the baby hasn’t been born yet, I feel unequipped for, undeserving of. Reading 2 Samuel some time ago, feeling utterly blessed, I had felt like David, who had asked God, “Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my house, that you have brought me thus far?”
My journals bear witness to my incessant worries, and my worries still. How, prior to this year, I had worried about whether it was in God’s will for me and Lee to have children. I did not want to be naïve or overly proud, thinking that whatever I dreamed up for my future, was to be mine, simply because I wanted them badly enough. I prayed intensely for peace, for contentment. Two years ago, I had even written a short story about a couple that couldn’t conceive. “What if…” I let my worries play themselves out in my imagination. I tried to taste the pain I would feel. All of it, perhaps, to find out whether I would indeed be “okay.” Should God have an alternative plan for me—would He be enough to fill me? I so wanted the answer to be “yes.”
During the first trimester, I prayed fervently—often selfishly—“God, keep this baby alive.” (Having heard so many friends experience miscarriages made me ever fearful.) Any sign of cramping would send me whispering prayers again, out of fear.
I had thought that once I passed the first trimester, my fears would dissipate. The fact that they did not, taught me much about human nature. I had thought that once I saw the ultrasound, once I started to feel the baby move inside me, the worries would cease. They did not. Violent images, would at times, surface in my imagination—stories of stillbirth, SIDS hit closer to home… And then, when my imagination crept beyond the newborn years, to the toddler years—accidents, mistakes I might make—it came to me that there was no end to such worries.
This realization returned me once again to God—echoes of Psalm 23, Psalm 55:22 (“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.”), Philippians 4:11-12 (“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”) rang resonantly in my heart.
Oh Lord, God—how would we do this without you?
This baby—is God’s child. In His amazing grace, He has entrusted this baby to us and we shall do our best. God knows we are sinners. We will fumble. We still stray. We will act selfishly, greedily, be bad examples, at times. But with our frail bodies, our godly aspirations, our appeal to the Almighty Creator for help—we will offer this baby to Him. That the sole purpose for the life of this child is to bring glory to the Father. No matter what happens, this is what I must remember, this is what I must keep my eyes and heart on. As David prays for his son Solomon in 1 Chronicles 29: “Grant to Solomon my son a whole heart that he may keep your commandments, your testimonies, and your statutes…”
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Life & Death
“If she’s coming with us,” I say to my sister, “doesn’t that mean you have to explain to her what the gravestones are?”
My sister answers, “Yes, and she might cry after I tell her what they are, but she knows about heaven, and she’s a Christian.”
At the cemetery, the weather is beautiful, the warm breeze making it feel more like spring than fall. My husband and I arrive first, search for the gravestone, and set down our flowers. We look around—there had been many visitors that day, with so many colourful flowers lying atop gravestones.
The others arrive and set their flowers down. My dad brings up the lyrics to Charles Wesley’s hymn And Can It Be on his PDA and we sing five of the verses together (our family normally sings Amazing Grace). The first verse goes like this:
And can it be that I should gain
An interest in the Savior’s blood?
Died He for me, who caused His pain—
For me, who Him to death pursued?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Amazing love! How can it be,
That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?
Then my dad says a few words to commemorate the godly life that my grandmother had led while on earth. My mom asks me to pray, then my dad closes with a prayer.
As we leave the cemetery, my three-year-old niece stares at all the gravestones on the ground. She is holding onto her grandfather’s hand. She points to one of the gravestones and says, “One day, mommy is going to be in there, right?” My dad replies, “Yes, we all come from dust, and we will return to dust.” My mom tells him his words are too deep for the child.
Then my niece starts pointing at all the other gravestones: “Who’s in there?” I read the name aloud to her. “Who’s in there?” She repeats, pointing at another one. I read the name aloud to her. This continues until we reach the cars. I can’t help but kiss her before we leave.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
C.S. Lewis
"The point about reading C.S. Lewis is that he makes you sure, whatever you believe, that religion accepted or rejected means something extremely serious, demanding the entire energy of mind." Harper's
My all-time favourite quote on RELATIONSHIPS:
We know that such things sometimes last- and sometimes don't. And when they do last, this is not because they promised at the outset to do so. When two people achieve lasting happiness, this is not solely because they are great lovers but because they are also--I must put it crudely--good people; controlled, loyal, fairminded, mutually adaptable people.
God In The Dock: "We Have No Right to Happiness"
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.
There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
The Four Loves: "Charity"
The question whether miracles occur can never be answered simply by experience. Every event which might claim to be a miracle is, in the last resort, something presented to our senses, something seen, heard, touched, smelled, or tasted. And our senses are not infallible. If anything extraordinary seems to have happened, we can always say that we have been the victims of an illusion. If we hold a philosophy which excludes the supernatural, this is what we always shall say. Miracles: "Preface"
If you live for the next world, you get this one in the deal; but if you live only for this world, you lose them both.
We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive.
The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and His compulsion is our liberation. Surprised By Joy
A believed idea feels different from an idea that is not believed.
Screwtape Proposes A Toast: "Is Theology Poetry?"
Whatever else faith may mean I feel quite sure that it does not mean any state of psychological certitude such as might be- I think it sometimes is- manufactured from within by the natural action of a strong will upon an obedient imagination. The faith that moves mountains is a gift from Him who created mountains.
Christian Reflections:"Petitionary Prayer: A problem Without An Answer"
A man's physical hunger does not prove that that man will get any bread; he may die of starvation on a raft in the Atlantic. But surely a man's hunger does prove that he comes of a race which repairs its body by eating and inhabits a world where eatable substances exist. In the same way, though I do not believe (I wish I did) that my desire for Paradise proves that I shall enjoy it, I think it a pretty good indication that such a thing exists and that some men will. A man may love a woman and not win her; but it would be very odd if the phenomenon called 'falling in love' occurred in a sexless world. Here, then, is the desire, still wandering and uncertain of its object and still largely unable to see that object in the direction where it really lies. Screwtape Proposes A Toast: "The Weight of Glory"
If Christianity is untrue, then no honest man will want to believe it, however helpful it might be: if it is true, every honest man will want to believe it, even if it gives him no help at all.
God in the Dock: "Man or Rabbit?"
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
My Plight
I couldn’t bring myself to look at the stories. I was afraid if I started reading them, I would grow even more discouraged. What if I find out my writing is awful? So I put the stories away—out of sight, out of mind.
I knew I had lost the momentum for my stories. I felt detached from my characters and experienced great difficulty attempting to write from their points of view again. Yet—I had the obligation to bring the story out and the characters’ voices—to finish the story. That’s why I’m in this creative writing program after all—without external, artificial deadlines, I can’t seem to get anything done.
With the impending deadline, and my guilt—I took the stories out last night and began to make corrections, all the while hoping that my writing isn’t as bad as it appears to be.
I know I have to trust my mentor. Some of my stories were initially twenty-five pages long—and now they’re down to ten pages (imagine long lines crossing through entire pages—what that does to the ego when you’ve spent days, even weeks writing those pages). I hear in almost every writing workshop some variation of the phrase, “Murder your darlings,” so I’m trusting that. Having read a handful of writing memoirs, I understand that this is the writing process, the editing process.
I have to say—during some sections, after cutting the lines/pages that I was instructed to cut, the ideas did come out clearer. It was somewhat consoling, at least consoling enough to propel me forward.
But I know there’s a balance too. Taking the advice of the mentor, but not growing too dependent on him that I wind up losing sight of my own characters. I have to remind myself of where I was when I was writing them—or where I want them to be going.
“You think aloud in your writing,” my mentor had said last winter when we had met up at a coffee shop downtown to discuss my writing. He told me that it’s good to think about the characters’ background and such—except, it isn’t necessary to write all of it down.
I’m instructed perpetually to condense, condense, condense. Don’t take a page to say what you want to say: convey it in a few sentences, convey it by showing an emotion, convey it with an image.
I remember, when we had sat down at the coffee shop, the waitress asked the both of us what we wanted. “A tea, please.” I say. My mentor looks at me and says something like, “You know, to really throw me off, you should have ordered a shot of bourbon or something.” I laughed.
I have to pray before I write. That I, myself, might be thrown off, be surprised at what is possible when I sink myself into something I know I love, even if at this moment I have my doubts.
God, have mercy on this struggling writer…
Sunday, July 29, 2007
To Be or Not To Be Alone
Already the introvert, becoming lazy is even more of a temptation for me—socially, that is—because without any effort at all, the husband is always going to be around to listen to my ramblings (and if he doesn't want to listen, too bad, because he has to—another plus of marriage).
Then, when the husband’s got a business trip or he’s out for one reason or another with the guys, I find myself wondering what to do with myself. It sounds pathetic, I know, but really, a much needed wake up call.
Being the workaholic that I am (still partly denying this condition that has been attributed to me by my husband)—the solitude is necessary—but because it comes so rarely, when it does arrive, I’m either in shock that it has come or I’m completely indecisive, not wanting to squander the hard-to-come-by moment.
Like last night—the husband had a bachelor’s party to attend. I estimated he probably wouldn’t be back until two or three a.m. (I was too comatose to look at the time when I finally heard him come through the door).
I came back from dinner to a quiet, empty condo. I stared at the laptop on my desk—maybe I should do some writing. Then I looked at my books—or reading. Then I looked at the television—or just vegetate on the couch, watching a movie. Earlier in the evening, I contemplated calling a friend and going for drinks—but realized that I was physically too worn to do anything else but stay put (tiredness seems to be a state I am perpetually in these days).
That’s when I began to think about how “spoiled” I have been by my marriage—by the multitude of tasks I’ve been juggling this summer (all of which, though wearing on the body, have been valuable to the spirit)—by my family and friends. All of these parts of my life have occupied so much of me, have filled my life so fruitfully—that there didn’t seem to be any need for solitude, for quiet self-examination.
That’s when I got to thinking about how many of us really value our solitude, or realize how much we need it—the stillness, the silence. Perhaps because stillness and silence are barely recognizable to us: the second they appear, we instinctually do away with them, and POOF, they're gone.
How deeply we are afraid of being alone. And by alone, I mean in the positive sense. Where we consciously give ourselves time to refuel, evaluate where we are (or where we're going)—where we spend some actual real time with God.
Instead, we, unwittingly, upon becoming aware that a window might be open—almost instantly fill it up with an activity, dial a number on our cell phone, open up MSN messenger, start doing household chores (yes—that’s me), turn on the television… the list is unending. Anything to engage our minds so that we don’t have to pay heed to the more weighty aspects of our lives.
Maybe we’re afraid of having a good, honest look at ourselves. Maybe because if we really took a look at ourselves, if we really tried to heed the stillness and the silence, God might speak to us, or worse, try to change us—and we sure don’t want to be changed.
I wound up picking up a book (by D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones—you can hear him speaking to you), parked myself on the couch, a fluffy pillow in my arms, the reading lamp on—and read for two hours. A little after midnight, I snuggled in bed but didn’t actually fall asleep until the husband came home. Like I said, I’ve become too used to having him around.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Zhaojue Youth Center, China: June 15-30, 2007
Accustomed to strategic planning and managing relatively predictable environments, I was feeling a bit edgy. What would the youths be like? How would I fare, not knowing how to speak Mandarin? Being forewarned about the explicit use of religious language, how could we possibly communicate the gospel if we were not allowed to use words?
After one night at the airport hotel in Chengdu (in which my roommate woke up only to discover she had been feasted on by mosquitoes all night), we were set to take a three-hour bus ride up the mountains in Liangshan. We had been alerted that it would be a bumpy ride (no worries, our team brought plenty of Gravol).
Having braced myself for motion sickness, I had not anticipated that the bus ride would have been the highlight of our travel. The mountainous landscape was utterly picturesque: lush green pastures; animals—dogs, cows, oxen, chickens, goats, herds of sheep; mud huts and mini-villages throughout; families emerging from their homes, carrying babies on their backs, hauling wood; men and women lounging on hilltops; children running in groups or solitarily across fields; bridges, miniature waterfalls, rows and rows of trees.
The higher up we went, the more stunning the horizon became.
Passing by all the greenery, I had difficulty imagining that we were heading to the Zhaojue Youth Center. Almost three hours later, however, the village emerged, 2100 meters above ground.
Our accommodations surpassed my expectations. The Youth Center itself was well kept, spacious, resourceful. The soccer field was freshly mowed, the cement ground free of litter, the offices and classrooms possessing an air of modernity. If you stand in the heart of the Youth Center, all you see are these nice buildings and the beautiful mountains encircling them.
It is not until you step out of the Youth Center that you really get a good look of the village.
As you make your way out, clouds of dust blow into the Youth Center from the welding factory next door. Upon exiting the steel gates, you might encounter a chorus of young voices excitedly shouting “hello!” These children, familiar with visiting westerners, are like many of the little ones we see: black smears on their precious, innocent faces, grimy clothing, a handful of them with chillingly mature poses—cigarettes in their hands, newborns in their arms, giant baskets strapped to their backs.
All sorts of smells greet you during your stroll—varying sizes of “landmines”; banana peels, partially eaten plums left rotting on the ground, mounds of cabbage, hundreds of flies swarming over them—you may even see the fresh skin of a horse lying flat on the pavement, with its ears, mane and everything.
Strangely, amidst the heat, many of the men are dressed in suit jackets and dress pants, though the material is worn. Some women are dressed in traditional Yi clothing, others in more contemporary apparel. Here and there, women are found breastfeeding in public, children pissing on the sidewalk, and everyone spitting on the ground.
I must admit, during the whole two weeks, I had been so concerned about sanitation that I had gone as far as refraining from drinking water during the day (unless I was in the Youth Center) so that I would not have to use any public washrooms—this included the two days spent pruning vegetable plants under the scorching sun at Sunshine Farm. Dehydration for cleanliness. To the city girl, it was a rational trade.
How peculiar our team of nine must have seemed to the locals, with our six cameras clicking and flashing, expressions of awe and wonderment on our faces every time something even remotely unusual took place.
Zhaojue Youth Center
Our team was taken aback by the sheer friendliness and joy of the youths. There were forty-seven of them, mostly girls. Seeing them eat dinner in the cafeteria on the first day, we waved to them, even before any formal introductions took place—they smiled and waved back enthusiastically.
God made his presence known right from the start.
Our team did devotions at seven every morning. We were studying the book of Hebrews, one chapter for every day we were in China. Many of us were open with each other about our initial doubts: how much could a “Cultural Exchange Team” from Toronto accomplish in a mere ten days?
The nine of us wore our uniforms on the first day: a black t-shirt inscribed with 1 Corinthians 13 in both English and Chinese—the characters forming the shape of the Canadian flag.
During one of our first classes on Canada and its history, a student raised his hand: “What’s the Church like in Canada?” And then another. “Are all Canadians Christians?” My heart swelled up in tears—we didn’t have to initiate any conversations about God—the youths were doing that on their own. Had I forgotten that God was in control of the circumstances—even in Zhaojue?
Five members of our team spoke Mandarin; four of us were dependent on them as translators. At certain moments, I had felt frustrated and discouraged with my not knowing the language. Sitting with the girls one-on-one, whether in class or during meals, I yearned to be able to ask them questions about their life. However, I was restricted to the Mandarin-speakers nearby, basic conversation (i.e. “What’s your name?” “How old are you?”), or exaggerated hand gestures and facial expressions when no one was around.
As each new day came, God taught us about patience and persistence. Gradually picking up bits and pieces of the language, the non-Mandarin speakers on the team were determined to use the language no matter how silly we appeared. The youths were helpful and encouraging. Many meals became lesson times for us—the youths were eager to teach us not only Mandarin, but also the Yi language, including songs in their culture.
Other heartfelt experiences took place between us and the youths in spite of the language barrier. A few particularly stand out in my memory.
One day after some of the girls performed an impressive and entertaining Yi dance in their colorful costumes, we went to the open field to take pictures with them. Later someone suggested that the three girls on our team try on their costumes. The youths were ecstatic about the idea. Not only did three girls promptly volunteer to take off their costumes, but they also assisted us in putting on the clothing, even coaching us on how to pose for the camera.
During one of our break times, our team decided to ask some of the youths to join us for mountain hiking. Walking along the path with some of the girls, a sense of desperation came upon me as I realized I could not communicate with them on my own. As the trek up the mountain grew more difficult, however (the steepness, wet mud, and lack of an actual trail did not appear to obstruct the girls at all), the girls immediately came to my rescue. Two or three of them jumped ahead of me during the climb, calling out to me “Chan lo si” (teacher), reaching out their hands to pull me up, pointing to the exact spots of where I needed to place my feet—easing my city-girl fears of the long way down the mountain. Upon arriving at the top, I was amazed by the breathtaking view.
How many times had God responded to my doubts and insecurities? How many times had He enabled me to rise beyond the seeming limitations? Beholding the entire village from the mountaintop, along with the girls who got us there—God’s glory and power were manifest: love was not restricted by mere words.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9
Although no classes took place on the weekend, our team had the opportunity to become acquainted with some of the students in more intimate settings. Three of the long-termers invited groups of us to each of their homes, along with several groups of students from the center. While savoring the comfort of a home-cooked meal, we were able to engage in meaningful conversation. Paired up with another member on my team, we filled our stomachs with pumpkin, fish, vegetables, and juicy lychees—as we listened to each student’s personal story. Late that night, my team member and I decided to pass on taking a taxi and walked back to the center with the girls. In spite of the late hour, the streets were nonetheless busy, many stores still open. It was during this time that we had the chance to hear one of the student’s testimonies of how she became a Christian. This was perhaps one of the most surprising yet heartening discoveries on the trip—that there were already Christians among the students. Not only were we able to hear their testimonies, but some of us were even able to pray with them before we left.
When our team of nine reconvened and shared about our respective dinners in the long-termers’ homes, an interesting remark was made. During dinnertime, one of the other teams was able to bring two individuals to Christ. Of course, we praised the Lord for this. Very bluntly, however, one of the members, speaking Cantonese, compared the feat to “picking up dead chickens.” The others laughed. I did not understand the expression. He explained to me that he used the expression often in sports: it describes the player who scores the goal but someone else had done the work to set up the goal. As bizarre as the expression was, I was humbled by the comparison.
He was right. Our team was only going to be there for ten days. We taught classes, spent our recreation time playing ultimate Frisbee, soccer, and baseball with the youths, and conversed with them during meals. Knowing that we had spent two days traveling all the way from Toronto to see them, knowing that we had spent thousands of dollars on airfare—the students were thankful and even baffled by our sacrifice. But could this compare to the sacrifice of the long-termers who were in China indefinitely? Who were away from their families? Who dedicated all their energies to the youths—caring for them, loving them, praying for them? Was not the conversion by these individuals a product of all their hard work?
“For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” Philippians 2:13
God uses us in different ways, according to His timing—but we are all doing His work.
The long-termers became resonating reminders to me of what it meant to be good soldiers of Christ. Not only were they loving and hardworking, but they also had this impressive ability to be meticulously detailed and attentive. Prior to the trip, our team members had planned our lessons again and again, emailing and phoning them regarding the particulars. They taught us about the needs of the youths, the sensitivity of the teachers at the center. While we were in Zhaojue, they continually asked us what we wanted—alerted us of Internet access so that we could communicate with our family back home—instructed us on places to eat—took us out on the weekend—fed us well: they epitomized hospitality. Moreover, they prayed unceasingly. During Sunday worship, you witnessed their absolute thirst for the Lord, tears in their eyes upon hearing a sermon on Church unity. Most of all, they knew and had a heart for the Yi people. While visiting Sunshine Farm, one of the long-termers introduced us to her cat—which she had adopted not too long ago. The cat appeared emaciated, dirty, barely with any fur, perpetually letting out a shrill ‘meow.’ “If we take good care of their animals,” the long-termer said firmly, “how much more will the Yi people know we care for them.”
Prayer Walk
Then there was the prayer walk. Our team split into two groups, walking the village, becoming watchful observers of the poverty surrounding us, as the long-termers informed us of its dire needs. “Clubs” invaded by officials. Alcohol and drug addictions (on several occasions, I witnessed drunken men staggering in the middle of the streets while cars and trucks dangerously zipped past them). Uneducated children. Breakdown of the family. Violence between them. Primitive hospital facilities (the tuberculosis patient sharing the same room with the meningitis patient, nurses freely spitting on hospital grounds…). Animistic worship. Each person in my group took turns saying a prayer for the very place we were standing in. While uttering our prayer, we were instructed, however, to survey the grounds, to keep our eyes open, to not look conspicuous. But oh, how often, did we stop and were advised to pray.
Sunshine Farm
I knew beforehand that there would be work on the farm. I purposely packed a pair of ragged jeans, which were stained with paint from past home improvement projects. It was amusing that in China, a number of people inquired about my jeans—“Is this the fashion?” they asked. I shook my head, grinning sheepishly, realizing how grungy I must have looked.
The reason why our team was assigned two days of farm work was because the curriculum at the Youth Center did not allow us to teach every day that we were there. A team member therefore requested that we be assigned alternative work on those days. Consequently, the long-termers gave us an overview of how they have been ministering to the Yi people on the farm (training them on farming techniques, animal health practices, biogas, sustainable land use, etc.).
On the farm, the guys and girls on our team were separated. Off the guys went to do intense labour. Pleased, the girls were off to prune zucchini plants. Dressed in our farm hats, gloves, and rubber boots, lathered in sun block, we marched to the patch and began trimming dead and old leaves. Little did we know that this task would be more challenging than the plants we would be pruning the very next day (tomato and chili).
I must say—although the sun was merciless during those arduous hours that we spent arched over the vegetable plants, and although every now and then you would find us startled or screaming every time an insect or frog leaped unexpectedly in front of our faces—I had a good time. When we met up with the guys later on, we girls could not resist teasing them. Our arms were all scratched up by the thorns on the zucchini plants—even the wet naps stung our skin upon cleaning. We pointed our fingers at the men—satisfied and proud that we could ridicule them for having done the “lesser” work, for they did not appear to have broken a sweat, nor did they have the “battle scars” that we had.
The next day at the farm, the men returned once again, with red marks on their arms. “This time, we worked really hard,” they said, showing us, in efforts to redeem themselves. “Did you see the blood on his hands? He’s in pain.” Concern was on the girls’ faces. “You have your tetanus shots?” I asked. Until the men finally admitted that they had been painting.
"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice." Philippians 4:4
This lighthearted exchange took place throughout the entire trip. We had all agreed, God couldn’t have put together a better team—yet He had called us individually, each of us with a different story of how we wound up in China. Everyone possessed a unique gift and character that contributed greatly to the mission—not only in the constructive and edifying sense, but also in bringing good cheer. From the older ones jacking up the actual price of a taxicab to “encourage” the younger ones to walk longer distances, to excessive indulgences in lychee snacking, to mimicking walruses by sticking chopsticks under our lips while waiting for our beef noodles at the restaurant, to one particular individual dressing in a Yi costume in the opposite gender and doing so quite convincingly, to playing charades—acting out ridiculous expressions—at the airport when we discovered our flight to Chengdu had been delayed by eight hours… Laughter filled each day.
And then there were those unforeseen moments—the girls engaging in spiritual conversation while doing work on the farm; my roommate asking me to braid her hair in the morning while offering to read 2 Timothy aloud as I did so; the in-betweens, whether during a walk in the forest or a ride on the bus, when one of us would seek out the deep inner thoughts of a fellow team member. For every one of these moments, I was thankful. Those precious hours spent with brothers and sisters in Christ!
"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." Matthew 18:20
Farewells
I am not much of a crier, and even less so in public. As the week pressed on, however, I could feel the emotions surging inside me.
On the second last day, after breakfast, one of the girls on our team felt compelled to hug the students, knowing that there was very little time left. It was then we discovered that hugging was not part of their culture. They appeared startled at first. Some of them responded, others walked quickly past her in efforts to avoid her open arms.
The night before our departure, the Youth Center had planned on having a campfire. Early in the evening, it began to pour. But God was good: right before seven o’clock, which was when the program was scheduled, the sky cleared up.
Our team taught the youths line dancing from the west, including the “Chicken Dance” and “Cowgirl Twist.” Then came the not-so-easy Yi dancing—all of us held hands, surrounding the fire, stepping to the Yi music that blasted through the stereo system. Warmth and celebration filled the air. Hours passed by, all of us not ready to leave, longing to savor every lingering minute with the youths. It was clear the youths felt the same way: when the teachers turned off the lights outside and it was pitch black, many of the youths were reluctant to leave, continuing to dance, pleading us to do the Cowgirl Twist again. And so we did… and while shaking my hips in the darkness, I relished in the pleasure on the youths’ faces, marveling and delighting in their sincere gladness in a simple night of dancing among friends.
On the last day, during breakfast, we all hoped for one final, heartfelt exchange with them. I sat with some girls, slowly eating my congee, thinking of innovative ways to express my affection for them. Once again, it was not necessary. One of the girls reached in her pocket and handed me a small bill that was folded into the shape of a heart. “Xie Xie,” I said. Then came more gifts. And then came the letters that the students had written collectively the night before.
But the most touching moment was when we were loading our luggage onto the bus. The girls helped us. I walked up to one of the team members and said, “We have to hug them before we leave.” She nodded in agreement. “We’ll start there, and go around.” None of the youths resisted this time. One by one, I held them tight in my arms, saying “I’ll miss you,” in English (I made sure I taught them this phrase during my English class). Many of them who surrounded the bus were facing the ground, crying. When I finally hugged all of them, I stepped onto the bus, studying their wet faces through the window, waving at them—and then the tears within me surfaced uncontrollably. Standing inside the bus with my team, I could see that others were feeling the same way. Would we ever see these youths again?
The bus rolled forward—in less than a minute, the youths were no longer visible.
Unlike the three-hour bus ride up the mountains, the bus ride down the mountains was quiet, most of us probably mulling over what had transpired in these short ten days. In ways that we could not articulate yet, and maybe not even at present, God was transforming us from within.
During a boat ride in Xichang, I had asked a girl on our team how this trip compared to her other ones to China. She had answered, “This is the most beautiful place I’ve visited—but also the poorest.”
Perhaps this is how each of us meets God face-to-face. Only in need. Only when we have been stripped bare of all worldliness. Only when we are on our knees, completely dependent on His provision. Thereupon his beauty emerges, like a bright light out of the darkness that we have somehow managed to forget we have been living in.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth…”
Descending the mountains, my soul cried out as the lyrics came up on my MP3 player: “Better is one day in your courts… Better is one day in your house… Better is one day in your courts… than thousands elsewhere.” How true it was for me at that very moment—that the best place, the most joyful place, the most fulfilling place for you to be is where God wants you to be.
I tried my hardest to drink in the stunning mountainous landscape before it disappeared behind me. Three hours did not seem long enough. I had turned twenty-nine the day before I left for China: I was old enough to understand the frailty of memories—how easy it is to slip back into self-centered and prideful living.
God alone is able to pull us out of it.
Final Reflections
I must confess—up until last fall, I had no intentions of going on a mission trip. I had no problems financing others on their mission trips, but I was resolved in staying put. I had believed that my ministry was teaching—that as long as I was serving in this regard, it was sufficient. One piercing statement spoken during one of my classes in seminary made me reconsider my position. During a lecture on Samuel Pearce, the missionary, the professor had said: “Mission is an inevitable outgrowth of walking in the Spirit.” Hearing those words in that instant, I felt convicted. I loved God, I wanted to serve Him, I wanted to grow, I wanted to know Him more—did He want me to do more than what I was doing? If I truly loved Him, what was stopping me?
Having returned from China, my former reservations now seem like trivialities:
I am a homebody.
I take comfort in familiarity and routine.
New situations and new people stress me out.
I treasure the days that I can see my husband in the morning and at night—being able to hear his voice, hold his hand, share with him.
Clean washrooms are a big deal for me. I would prefer not to squat over a hole in the ground. I value the luxury of having a strong flushing system. (This item alone is equivalent to, if not more serious a concern, than the above item.)
Mosquitoes. Flies. Cockroaches.
What I ultimately learned is that when you go on a trip like this one, you go thinking that you’ve decided to make a sacrifice; because you’ve been called, you go trusting that God wants you to give something; you go believing that your service will help the needy—but, in reality, you wind up getting more out of it than anyone else.
You come back to the place you’ve been living, feeling refreshed, renewed. You hope to God, you pray hard that you don’t go back to where you once were.
It really doesn’t matter where God calls you to: because He is sovereign, because He is the sole Provider, because He is good—you need not worry. You hear it all the time in the testimonies of missionaries—but if you really want to taste just how real your faith is, you have to go and see it for yourself. You read in the Word all the time that God is faithful—but do you know just how faithful He really is?
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." ~ Joshua 1:9
Again and again, I look at my twenty-nine years of living, with the blessing of being born in a Christian family, and I ask myself—why have I still wasted so much time? The words of Paul in Romans 10 become all the more gripping, “But how are they to call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching?” And then in Romans 15, “…and thus I make it my ambition to preach the gospel, not where Christ has already been named, lest I build on someone else's foundation, but as it is written, ‘Those who have never been told of him will see, and those who have never heard will understand.”
This is why, since coming back, when people ask me, “How was your trip to China?” I don’t know how to answer them. “It was amazing…” I say… but how can I capture what I felt in China and convey it to them in a few words? How can I use words to compel a fellow Christian to seriously contemplate where they are in their walk with God and elicit change? How can I make them see that I, a sinner—weak, cowardly, and insecure—paid heed to an inkling within me to go on mission, went after it even amid self-doubt, prayed hard about whether my actions were truly part of God’s plan—and ultimately witnessed God show his incredible power, love, grace and mercy?
One team member shared in an email afterward that upon coming back, he has felt more tired than when he had been away. I suspect many of us feel the same way. I, for one, have. Amidst all of my responsibilities this past year, I did not realize how stressed and pressured I was feeling—until I was in China—when I was reminded of what it felt like to be at peace—I mean, completely at peace: untense muscles, clear mind, content spirit.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28
God has taught me once again what I must do to find Him. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. The question is—how do you sustain your faith and practice it even when you are at your most comfortable?
"Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, 'Here I am.'
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
~ Isaiah 58:6-11