A Lesson on Motherhood

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Titus 2:3-5

Nathaniel is past three months old. When my husband and I attended baby care classes prior to his birth, the nurse had stressed that a baby three months of age could not be spoiled. The same message was found in many of the baby care books that I had been reading.

I realized that as tiring as these past three months have been—to be told that I am to meet every need of Nathaniel’s— whether he was hungry, whether he needed to be held, whether he needed to be played with—was, in some sense, the “easier” part. Now the question is: What happens after the three months?

That is, now that he is 14+ pounds, is “too many feedings” possible? Is “holding him too much” possible? Is pampering him too much possible? Could I no longer rush to tend to his every need—that any of these indulgences might interrupt his sleeping patterns, learning, and overall behavioral development?

These questions and self-doubt creep in upon a deluge of advice from family, friends, relatives, even strangers. One extreme advice I received recently: to leave Nathaniel in his crib at night and ignore his cry for hunger, and after one week, he is certain to sleep through the night. Such a thought frightened me—as I could never think of doing such a thing.

I confess that Nathaniel has been sharing a bed with me since Day 1. He has usurped his father’s place, and the husband is waiting patiently to get it back. Right now, the husband is sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa bed in the next room. Of course, initially, it was more convenient to have the baby close to me—no need to get up at wee hours of the morning to feed the baby. Simply turn over. When baby was done, turn back over. But I have been warned by experienced mothers of the consequences of prolonging this practice—expect Nathaniel to be sleeping with me until he is two. So right now—I am gathering up the energy to return him to his crib very soon… this means more crying in the night time and less sleep for me. When am I ready to endure such hardship for long-term benefits? Oh… not yet, I confess. Just a little bit longer, I say, not wanting to dwell on the possible consequences of my actions.

I included the passage from Titus because I believe I genuinely witnessed it yesterday. My mom had called me Monday morning to ask me how I was. How was taking care of Nathaniel? We had had a celebration dinner of Nathaniel’s birth on Saturday, the sixteenth, and she said she had observed that I hadn’t been able to eat my dinner in peace, as I was constantly tending to Nathaniel. My reaction to her observation was one of surprise since this disposition has become the norm for me. Even when I am conversing with friends or eating a meal, my eye is always on him, whether he is crying or happy.

Then my mom invited me over to her house the next day. So on Tuesday, I wound up spending the entire day at her house.

My mom had been holding Nathaniel for some time, and then she had put him down in the play pen. No complaints after 15 minutes. I was watching him, as I was eating an apple pie my mom had baked. He’s going to cry soon, I think to myself.

Nathaniel whimpers now and then while lying in the play pen. Though tired, my instinct is to rush to his side. But my mom tells me to leave him alone. I do so. After about 45 minutes to an hour, Nathaniel falls asleep without any real complaint or crying. I’m flabbergasted. I say to my mom, “There must be something about your house—because he doesn’t do this at home,” I say, not having witnessed such “good” behavior.

“Maybe there’s something you’re doing that doesn’t make him feel at peace,” my mom says.

At first, I’m offended. “No, he’s at peace with me. I put him to bed like you do—but first he cries his head off and then he falls alseep.”

My mom advises me to start putting him in the crib--for Nathaniel’s own good, and for my marriage. She admits that she made that mistake with my younger brother. "I let him sleep with me for too long in the beginning. He refused to leave my room until he was four. Do you remember that?" She advises me that I have to remember to care for Lee too. So I say to my mom, “Okay, I’ll try to do it.”

“No,” my mom corrected, “Not ‘try.’ You have to be determined to do it. You have to have the mindset to do it—and then you execute it, consistently,” she says. And then she begins to recount the difficult days when she had to discipline me and my sister. “Do you know how exhausting it is to have to consistently exercise discipline? But you have to do it.”

Another confession. I’ve been going out almost on a daily basis with Nathaniel for the past month. First, because the days pass by more quickly for me. Second, because the stroller rides put Nathaniel to sleep (easier to push a stroller than to hold a 14 pound baby for an hour). To be determined not to go out, and to stay home and be ready to listen to Nathaniel’s crying, and tend to him for hours on end without any external props--car rides, stroller rides, etc.--(except the crib), would require much more effort. My mom was right: I had to be determined to do it.

Today, Nathaniel and I wake up at 8:00 a.m. I spend the morning having a conversation with him, until he gets bored and begins to cry. I put him on the changing station and then give him a bath. After I eat breakfast, I feed him, and shortly after, I put him in his crib.

He looked at me initially, with that adorable pout and those needy eyes, as if saying, “No, you’re not going to leave me here are you?” I touch his tummy, smile at him, and then I leave the room, closing the door behind me.

Yesterday, my sister advised me that when you start sleep training the baby, you have to find something to do while he fusses and cries—otherwise, it becomes too heart-wrenching to sit there and watch and listen to him cry. So I do. I start cleaning the kitchen—all the while with the baby monitor on. He whimpers now then, but no intense crying. Forty-five minutes later, after I’ve finished cleaning, I go check on Nathaniel. He is sleeping peacefully in his crib.

Praise the Lord. I had begun to pray more intensely regarding the decisions I make with Nathaniel. At first, it was simply that God might save Nathaniel’s soul—and if it was in God’s will, that He do so early. Now, I had begun to hand over even the most trivial items to Him. “God, can you even care for the little details in this family—things like blocked ducts, Nathaniel’s sleeping patterns, and the attention I must pay to my husband?” So quickly God has answered my prayers. Brought people into my life that are able to teach me.

I’m not saying that tomorrow I will be just as successful at putting Nathaniel to sleep. But I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—I believe these moments are evidences of God’s grace. He gives you just enough to help you keep going, to deliver you from any sense of helplessness or insecurity.

So for the first time, I am not blogging with Nathaniel sleeping in my arms or in my lap. He is in his own room, in his own crib. Halfway through this blog, half an hour into his nap, I had heard him crying, but I pressed on, continued to type, tried not to rush to his side right away. After ten minutes, Nathaniel fell back asleep.

I've decided to begin sleep training Nathaniel a little bit at a time--for his benefit and mine. We'll start with the morning nap first and perhaps slowly ease into the afternoon nap, and then the night time sleep routine. It'll be tempting to steer away from this schedule, so I'll have to recall my mom's wise words.

Oh Lord, thank you for this teeny tiny victory. May you watch over me and Lee. Teach us how to train our son well. Thank you for the enormous love you have for our family—that you pay attention to even the little decisions in any given day. May you teach me and Lee to be a reflection of your love to Nathaniel.

Thank you for blessing me with my mom and my sister who have given me so much support these past months. Thank you for your Holy Word. That it stands the test of time. That it speaks to Mothers even to this day.