Lessons from the Young and the Old

I went to my sister’s house today. While all of us were sitting around the kitchen table eating lunch, Charis, my four-year-old niece, posed a question to her parents: “How old do I have to be before I know when I’m eating too much candy?”

Her dad then replied: “You’re old enough now, Charis.”

It was cute.

It also made me consider whether we, as adults, have ever asked ourselves when we have indulged in too much ____________ [insert your vice here]. Have we exercised enough self-control when what we have been guilty of indulging in has robbed us from time with God, time with family, time with friends?

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For the past week, Nathaniel has gradually learned to sleep on his own. God has been so good to this family. I didn’t have to suffer too much. Just a few nights of crying, but the crying, with time and patience, was consolable. I’ll study his behavior for another week or so to see if this amazing behavior keeps up. When he’s tired now, it’s almost like he wants me to put him in his crib. All I have to do his put him there, turn on the mobile, and leave the room. Within ten to twenty minutes, when I go back to check on him again, he’s usually asleep, with little or no fussing.

It’s remarkable how good it makes me feel to know that Nathaniel is learning this one act of independence. I can’t imagine what will be ahead—when he begins to learn other things. To be honest, I’m the one who has to let go. At night, I feel comforted when he’s lying next to me: then I can hear his breathing, put covers on him when he’s kicked it off, hold back his arms when he’s scratching his own face in his sleep, etc. When he’s in the next room, it’s almost like I have to “trust” that he’s okay, even though I’m not there watching him every minute.

About a month ago, I emailed one of my seminary professors for parenting advice. I inquired about when discipline of a child begins. I had doubts about whether it was too early at this stage—or was I simply too scared to make sacrifices for Nathaniel’s own good? I wanted counseling from a Christian/biblical perspective—as that is the only perspective I can really trust. His response was what affirmed my resolve to begin training Nathaniel right away. God showed his grace by allowing me to witness results almost immediately. This gave me the impetus to persevere in doing what I was doing. And as I described above—the discipline was and is still working. (Praise the Lord!)

For any new mothers reading this blog, I am going to paste his advice below in case it might help you as well (my goodness, it’s almost 6:00 p.m.—Nathaniel has been sleeping since 2:30 p.m. I hope that doesn’t disrupt his sleep tonight):

Each child is unique, so no ready made formula will fit Nathaniel. However, if you stick to the basics, I cannot foresee any problems with him growing up to be the man he should be.

1. Infants need lots of interaction: conversing, playing, embracing, kissing, etc. You cannot overdo this.

2. Some structure should be in place early in the life of the child. We fed, changed, and played with them regularly; however, we also gave them a routine. We made them sleep at set times in the day when they were tired, established a regular bedtime at night, and yes, after a while we encouraged them to sleep through by refraining to pick them up, even though they cried. Bear in mind, first, we made sure that they were not sick, hungry or wet. Once we eliminated all of these, we resisted the urge to pick them up or let them sleep in our bed, a bad habit that is hard to cure! This latter decision caused us great angst, since the natural inclination is to respond immediately to the cry of your offspring. But we realized that children want constant attention, day and night, and that crying is the primary means of getting what they desire. So we had to make the painful choice at times not to respond, just because they cried.

Parents must balance their responsibilities to their infants, with their responsibilities to their spouses, extended family, and society as a whole. This structure, worked excellent for them and for us. We maintained our sanity! And by 7:30 at night, we could entertain in our homes or spend time as a couple, because our children were in bed asleep. As soon as our children realized that they would not get what they want just by crying, they gave up, slept or played with the toys in their environment. They also learnt that life was not all about them.

Now although there seems to be some benefit to this approach, it is only one approach. Thus, if you are uncomfortable with the advice you received, regarding feeding and sleeping through, you should explore other approaches that may be more acceptable to you.

3. The key to parenting, however, is consistency. Once you have established a set of rules, you should endeavour to abide by them. This will be useful for Nathaniel throughout his childhood years.

4. At the end of the day, this is your baby, not mom's, dad's, aunt Jane or uncle Ben. He is God's gift to you both; therefore, consult His Word for principles and trust His wisdom in tricky spots to guide you.

5. Remember, all parents make "mistakes" in parenting. Generally, these are overcome over the long run, if we love our children, instruct them in the right way, and live consistent and exemplary lives before them.

Bottom line: don’t stress yourself about getting it right. Enjoy your baby, encourage and reinforce good habits, trust him to the Lord in prayer, and just use plain old fashion common sense.

I am well aware, that this is more advice, precisely the problem you are having. Therefore, please feel free to discard all the above, except the part about the Lord!

My professor’s advice made me realize that I had to keep a bigger perspective in mind—and that included my family (especially my husband) and my spiritual life. Last night, Nathaniel fell asleep at 7:15 and woke at 12:05 a.m. As a result, Lee came home, and for the FIRST time in four months, he and I were able to spend time together in the evening without Nathaniel. In addition, for the past few days, I’ve had so much more time to read the Bible and write—two things I’ve been itching to do but had difficulty doing because of the short, short windows of sleep Nathaniel was getting.

I shall wait for what is to come in the next few weeks, but I shall give everything over to my God. Every step I take in parenting Nathaniel, I will hand over to my Father in Heaven. I offer all my thanks to Him, for He has proven Himself faithful again and again in my life.