A Time for Pause

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Hebrews 12:4

"Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." Philippians 2:12

The past two and a half weeks have been atypical. Week one was busy: the husband was perfecting his résumé, making calls and networking, and applying for jobs on whatever job site was available. In week two, God was so gracious to our family. After a weekend of our wavering back and forth from peace to panic (the former as a result of our submitting to God our heavy hearts and the latter as a result of assessing the reality before us), God gave us hope: Lee was called for four interviews, one of them ended up lasting 2.5 hours long. The nights, as a result, involved Lee studying. He anticipated every possible question the interviewers would ask him and spent hours typing out his answers, then memorizing them. (I felt like the tables had turned somewhat: the past two years, it was me who was spending hours in the evening studying…)

Of course, we realized that even though Lee was temporarily unemployed, this extra time with family was invaluable. For once, during our family time, Lee’s Blackberry was not going off because of emails or phone calls. For once, on a weekday—not one, but a series of them—Nathaniel woke up in the morning, was laid on his mommy and daddy’s bed, and both of us were encircling him. Nathaniel would turn from one side to the other, talking to me, then talking to Daddy, then touching both of our faces. I, for one, was grateful that Nathaniel got more windows to get to know Daddy better.

At the same time, during this time in which Lee was laid off, we couldn’t treat it as a sort of vacation. We didn’t dare go shopping nor go out to eat nice meals—not when we had no idea when income was going to start coming in again.

In Lee’s prayers, he prays for God to humble him, to give him peace during this whole job search process. He was mentally drained. Interview after interview, he felt the pressure to prove himself to somebody—all over again. Not only did he have to do it, he needed to—he had a family to think about. One night, when he took a break, he and I sat on the family room couch to watch television; suddenly, he started breathing hard. It was all too familiar. Over a year ago, I went to the doctor’s because I had experienced shortness of breath. After some tests, the doctor told me that my irregular breathing was a result of stress. It was the same for Lee. I asked him whether he was okay—he said that most of the time, his head told him that everything was going to be okay—but every now and then, his imagination took the best of him, and he would lapse—momentary panic.

By the end of week two, I felt like a solemn cloud of calmness came over our household. Not because any solid news came in telling us that we were okay, but because we were somehow resigned to the fact that this was a time in which God wanted to teach us something. Our family has been incredibly blessed over the past several years. Lee has never been unemployed for as long as we’ve been together. He’s only experienced promotions and salary increases in the past decade. It wasn’t so much that “we were due,” as Lee once pragmatically remarked, but that God wanted us to stop and listen. Not that we haven’t thanked God in our prayers for the blessings He’s showered upon us, but sometimes, I have to say, that might not be enough. For an instant, however momentary it was or will be one day when we look back at this, we were anxious about the future. Even when we were telling ourselves there was no reason to be anxious (we had so much family who were ready and willing to help us) yet to know that what we had could disappear—SNAP—just like that.

The message was loud and clear.

Two weeks after Nathaniel was born, last year May, Lee got a call from a recruiter for a job opportunity. At the time, he had already spent five years at a job that was gradually sucking the energy out of him. Sixty to eighty-hour work weeks, incessant calls on his Blackberry that didn’t give our family a moment of quietness. Lee began to hate his job. It was normal for him to go through the Sunday blues, in which he dreaded going back to the office again. Work-life balance was non-existent. When our baby son was born, and this call from a recruiter came in, and after three rounds of intense interviews, Lee was eventually hired—we thought—this was a blessing from God: same title, more pay, less hours. Who knew it existed?

Not only that, but for once, Lee liked his job. He was eager to see the fruits of his labor. He had every intention of committing himself to this company for several years. Then suddenly, seven months later, they present to him a release form, terminating him, not having hinted at all even hours before that this was going to happen. Just like that. He lost his job.

Last week, I had asked Lee: “Knowing that they were going to let you go seven months after taking this job, do you regret having taken it?” With no hesitation at all, he replied, “No.” Though he shook his head in disbelief and frustration that they had done this to him, he was nonetheless thankful for the opportunity that was granted to him and the new networks he had made as a result. In fact, in the past couple of weeks, he’s gone out numerous times with his colleagues from the company that laid him off—with those who were also laid off and the staff who were still there but now were uncertain about their futures.

What occurred to both of us as a result of this ordeal is how things aren’t always what they seem. On the surface, circumstances give every semblance of security: a big fancy office, a comfortable salary, the praise of superiors, a promise of bonuses, good rapport with colleagues. But such tangible items are empty and fleeting, no matter how tight a grip one has on them. Like biting into a decadent piece of chocolate and finding it hollow inside.

Of course, the writer of the book of Ecclesiastes made this observation a long time ago:

“I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards... I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces... I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me.

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labor.

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.”

After the extra long interview Lee had last Wednesday, Lee called them back to follow up. The HR representative said they wouldn’t have an answer for him until this week—week three. I have to say, I had a feeling inside that God wanted us to wait. I was somewhat concerned for Lee—he could get the job, he could not—but how would not getting the job affect him? In our prayers, we had to pray that God would give us peace whatever the result. And even further, that if Lee didn’t get the job, that we would genuinely have faith that this was part of His will. That the events that would unravel in the coming months could go any way—two weeks of unemployment, two months, six months—were we ready to demonstrate our assurance in God's faithfulness?

The past weekend, we celebrated Chinese New Year. We enjoyed time with family and relatives. Lee seemed less preoccupied than he had been the previous weeks.

Monday morning: Lee gets called in for a second interview for the same job, this time with the executives of the company. (The peculiar thing is that Lee was told that the company had been trying to reach him since the week before, even leaving him a message, but for some reason Lee never got it.) Tuesday: Lee’s interview is in the afternoon. Tonight: Lee calls home and says, “I got the job.” After another three-hour interview, Lee is made an offer. Relief comes over us.

I must say, it wasn’t until I took my Old Testament Theology course in seminary that it came to my attention that man had been put to work even before the fall. Genesis 2:15 writes, “The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.” During Lee’s job search, from time to time, he would sit at the laptop and declare, “I need a job”—but not just because he ‘needed’ it, but he was saying that he needed to work. He couldn’t just sit around and do nothing. Ecclesiastes 2 writes, “A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness…”

At the moment, I am waiting for Lee to come home. But even before receiving his news over the telephone, I had thought—if God decides that Lee is to get this job—He is truly gracious—because this period of testing could go longer—we might even need it to go longer (when I pray to God to humble us, don’t think I’m not scared about what I’m asking). As it is written in James 1:2: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” Lee and I—we still need so much more maturing in our relationship with God—in what other circumstances was God going to shape us?

This three-week period of Lee’s layoff—rather than a prolonged impedance—has felt like someone had suddenly pressed the “pause” button on the remote—and today—suddenly pressed “play” again. As if, for several minutes, rather than listening to all the white noise coming from the television, we were able to drink in the stillness and the silence.

Lee starts his new job on Monday. I go on the company website and discover that the company that hired Lee is rated as one of the “50 Best Managed Companies” in all of Canada.

God, You are so good—yet none of it we deserve. May we offer all of ourselves to You—in good times and in bad. Thank you that you are the source of true peace, true assurance, true hope. Everything we have is meaningless if we do not acknowledge that it is You who has freely given it to us. Forgive us for our greediness, selfishness, self-centeredness. May we trust that You, our Heavenly Father, seeks to mold our character and conduct so that they reflect your holiness. Let no obstacle that comes our way do any harm to the state of our souls, but may we always seek the highest good, which is exemplified in your Son Jesus Christ.