Sipping my tea...

Believe it or not, I’m sitting at my writing desk, enjoying chocolate biscuits and tea while Nathaniel is asleep in his crib. So far, the scheduling of his nap times is working—he cried a lot yesterday, but only fussed for fifteen minutes or so today before falling asleep. Of course, his naps range anywhere from 20 minutes to three hours (average time is 35 minutes), so this blog is going to be brief.

I’ve been feeling guilty about not being disciplined in working on my master’s thesis. My topic is on Anne Steele. During Nathaniel’s first month, I was so excited about getting started, I had ordered a number of books online for research and even have a copy of her poetry and hymns now. Three months have passed, and I should have read more than I have. I’ve successfully cut daytime television-watching while breastfeeding (though I can’t help but check my email, surf on facebook, and read the daily news every morning)—and yesterday was my first attempt at doing 45 minutes of reading of J.R. Broome’s biography of Anne Steele during Nathaniel’s nap. I know that with these incredibly short naps of his, it’ll take me forever to make any headway on my thesis—which is why the daily discipline is so necessary. O God, please keep me disciplined.

I just want to share about the quality time the husband and I are finally having since Nathaniel was born. Not that it wasn’t there before, but I’ve witnessed a drastic difference in the past couple of weeks, mainly as a result of Nathaniel’s decrease in crying and fussing. Most noticeably, dinners are accompanied by less crying now that Nathaniel is spending more time trying to socialize with us. It’s the cutest thing—he alternates sitting on Daddy and Mommy’s laps during dinner, all the while making all sorts of sounds, trying to join in on our conversation.

Of course, given all the time I spend with Nathaniel, he naturally sticks to me or his gaze most often follows me when there are many people in a room. But now that he’s become more observant, he watches Daddy a lot, while he’s shaving, gelling his hair (the change table is in our master bedroom ensuite, so it can be pretty busy in the bathrooms in the morning when all of us are in there).

Last night, I transferred a sleeping Nathaniel into Daddy’s arms so that I could cook. Daddy sat in the rocking chair for half an hour in the darkness, sipping his Pepsi until I finished. Then, before bedtime, as Nathaniel laid on our bed, he stared at Daddy, and talked to him in long, extended huh’s and coo’s.

I must admit, when other mother-friends visited us during the first month, and saw our then six-pound son, they would let out an “Awwww,” then give a yearning look to their husbands, whispering, “I want another one” (funny, the husbands aren't usually as enthusiastic, their look is more one of anxiety). I was perplexed at first, wondering why they would yearn for that challenging first month, when my husband and I were completely sleep-deprived and had few moments to enjoy to ourselves.

Not that I have forgotten all the pain associated with labor, nor those sleepless nights, nor the splitting headaches, listening to hours of Nathaniel’s crying—but, after three months, I am already experiencing nostalgia. I look back at the photos and can’t believe that it has only been three months. The past few days, I have felt a surge of sadness, realizing how quickly Nathaniel is growing, and how quickly he will grow out of this stage and move onto the next, asserting more of his independence with each day (crawling, walking, etc.).

I just feel so blessed to be a Mother. I have no idea what God has planned for me, whether He plans on giving Nathaniel a sibling to play with one day—but I’ve enjoyed the process so far, and I find it amazing that this is how God has everything designed. Everything is a process that is to be unraveled, and we humans, with limited vision, are granted the chance to be part of these miraculous moments, watching them unravel ever so slowly—enough so that we appreciate the process.

Let’s see what time we have left of Nathaniel’s nap for me to do some more reading…

A Lesson on Motherhood

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled. Titus 2:3-5

Nathaniel is past three months old. When my husband and I attended baby care classes prior to his birth, the nurse had stressed that a baby three months of age could not be spoiled. The same message was found in many of the baby care books that I had been reading.

I realized that as tiring as these past three months have been—to be told that I am to meet every need of Nathaniel’s— whether he was hungry, whether he needed to be held, whether he needed to be played with—was, in some sense, the “easier” part. Now the question is: What happens after the three months?

That is, now that he is 14+ pounds, is “too many feedings” possible? Is “holding him too much” possible? Is pampering him too much possible? Could I no longer rush to tend to his every need—that any of these indulgences might interrupt his sleeping patterns, learning, and overall behavioral development?

These questions and self-doubt creep in upon a deluge of advice from family, friends, relatives, even strangers. One extreme advice I received recently: to leave Nathaniel in his crib at night and ignore his cry for hunger, and after one week, he is certain to sleep through the night. Such a thought frightened me—as I could never think of doing such a thing.

I confess that Nathaniel has been sharing a bed with me since Day 1. He has usurped his father’s place, and the husband is waiting patiently to get it back. Right now, the husband is sleeping on the uncomfortable sofa bed in the next room. Of course, initially, it was more convenient to have the baby close to me—no need to get up at wee hours of the morning to feed the baby. Simply turn over. When baby was done, turn back over. But I have been warned by experienced mothers of the consequences of prolonging this practice—expect Nathaniel to be sleeping with me until he is two. So right now—I am gathering up the energy to return him to his crib very soon… this means more crying in the night time and less sleep for me. When am I ready to endure such hardship for long-term benefits? Oh… not yet, I confess. Just a little bit longer, I say, not wanting to dwell on the possible consequences of my actions.

I included the passage from Titus because I believe I genuinely witnessed it yesterday. My mom had called me Monday morning to ask me how I was. How was taking care of Nathaniel? We had had a celebration dinner of Nathaniel’s birth on Saturday, the sixteenth, and she said she had observed that I hadn’t been able to eat my dinner in peace, as I was constantly tending to Nathaniel. My reaction to her observation was one of surprise since this disposition has become the norm for me. Even when I am conversing with friends or eating a meal, my eye is always on him, whether he is crying or happy.

Then my mom invited me over to her house the next day. So on Tuesday, I wound up spending the entire day at her house.

My mom had been holding Nathaniel for some time, and then she had put him down in the play pen. No complaints after 15 minutes. I was watching him, as I was eating an apple pie my mom had baked. He’s going to cry soon, I think to myself.

Nathaniel whimpers now and then while lying in the play pen. Though tired, my instinct is to rush to his side. But my mom tells me to leave him alone. I do so. After about 45 minutes to an hour, Nathaniel falls asleep without any real complaint or crying. I’m flabbergasted. I say to my mom, “There must be something about your house—because he doesn’t do this at home,” I say, not having witnessed such “good” behavior.

“Maybe there’s something you’re doing that doesn’t make him feel at peace,” my mom says.

At first, I’m offended. “No, he’s at peace with me. I put him to bed like you do—but first he cries his head off and then he falls alseep.”

My mom advises me to start putting him in the crib--for Nathaniel’s own good, and for my marriage. She admits that she made that mistake with my younger brother. "I let him sleep with me for too long in the beginning. He refused to leave my room until he was four. Do you remember that?" She advises me that I have to remember to care for Lee too. So I say to my mom, “Okay, I’ll try to do it.”

“No,” my mom corrected, “Not ‘try.’ You have to be determined to do it. You have to have the mindset to do it—and then you execute it, consistently,” she says. And then she begins to recount the difficult days when she had to discipline me and my sister. “Do you know how exhausting it is to have to consistently exercise discipline? But you have to do it.”

Another confession. I’ve been going out almost on a daily basis with Nathaniel for the past month. First, because the days pass by more quickly for me. Second, because the stroller rides put Nathaniel to sleep (easier to push a stroller than to hold a 14 pound baby for an hour). To be determined not to go out, and to stay home and be ready to listen to Nathaniel’s crying, and tend to him for hours on end without any external props--car rides, stroller rides, etc.--(except the crib), would require much more effort. My mom was right: I had to be determined to do it.

Today, Nathaniel and I wake up at 8:00 a.m. I spend the morning having a conversation with him, until he gets bored and begins to cry. I put him on the changing station and then give him a bath. After I eat breakfast, I feed him, and shortly after, I put him in his crib.

He looked at me initially, with that adorable pout and those needy eyes, as if saying, “No, you’re not going to leave me here are you?” I touch his tummy, smile at him, and then I leave the room, closing the door behind me.

Yesterday, my sister advised me that when you start sleep training the baby, you have to find something to do while he fusses and cries—otherwise, it becomes too heart-wrenching to sit there and watch and listen to him cry. So I do. I start cleaning the kitchen—all the while with the baby monitor on. He whimpers now then, but no intense crying. Forty-five minutes later, after I’ve finished cleaning, I go check on Nathaniel. He is sleeping peacefully in his crib.

Praise the Lord. I had begun to pray more intensely regarding the decisions I make with Nathaniel. At first, it was simply that God might save Nathaniel’s soul—and if it was in God’s will, that He do so early. Now, I had begun to hand over even the most trivial items to Him. “God, can you even care for the little details in this family—things like blocked ducts, Nathaniel’s sleeping patterns, and the attention I must pay to my husband?” So quickly God has answered my prayers. Brought people into my life that are able to teach me.

I’m not saying that tomorrow I will be just as successful at putting Nathaniel to sleep. But I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again—I believe these moments are evidences of God’s grace. He gives you just enough to help you keep going, to deliver you from any sense of helplessness or insecurity.

So for the first time, I am not blogging with Nathaniel sleeping in my arms or in my lap. He is in his own room, in his own crib. Halfway through this blog, half an hour into his nap, I had heard him crying, but I pressed on, continued to type, tried not to rush to his side right away. After ten minutes, Nathaniel fell back asleep.

I've decided to begin sleep training Nathaniel a little bit at a time--for his benefit and mine. We'll start with the morning nap first and perhaps slowly ease into the afternoon nap, and then the night time sleep routine. It'll be tempting to steer away from this schedule, so I'll have to recall my mom's wise words.

Oh Lord, thank you for this teeny tiny victory. May you watch over me and Lee. Teach us how to train our son well. Thank you for the enormous love you have for our family—that you pay attention to even the little decisions in any given day. May you teach me and Lee to be a reflection of your love to Nathaniel.

Thank you for blessing me with my mom and my sister who have given me so much support these past months. Thank you for your Holy Word. That it stands the test of time. That it speaks to Mothers even to this day.