Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Praying for Discernment in Parenting

Fourteen-month Nathaniel is really starting to express himself. I’ve done my best to establish some form of communication system with him to minimize the “yelling” and the “whining.” The situation has been improving. Most of the time, he signs “please,” “more,” and “help,” and knows to say “thank you” if I cue him.

But since he still doesn’t know how to talk (and I can’t reason with him), he can become quite frustrated when he’s trying to communicate something to me, and I just don’t get it.

Or when Nathaniel tries to perform a more challenging task on his own—fitting different shaped blocks into their respective holes, building a tower with blocks, trying to take a toy apart and reassemble it—if he doesn’t get it after the second, third, fourth try, he begins to bang on the toy or cry (if I happen to not be around to assist or guide him).

Or when he’s sitting on the high chair and he points to the fridge or the pantry, communicating that he wants a snack to eat, but I can’t give it to him because he has yet to finish his actual healthy meal. He gets upset (though this doesn’t happen often). Sometimes, he’ll purposely drop the food he’s eating on the floor to express his protestation.

For the most part, I tell myself that I can’t let him win the battle. I sit in front of him, for what feels like a very long time, and make him eat his meal. He’s in tears, and I’m exasperated. Or I raise my voice, give him a stern look, and shake my head, “No, no.” Last week, when I had done the latter, he stared back at me with those big, perplexed eyes, and began clapping his hands, as if applauding my performance (I tried not to chuckle). Clearly, he didn’t get what I was trying to do, or maybe he thought if he tried being “cute” I would lose the stern face.

There are times when I am unsure of whether I’m doing the right thing. Sometimes I wonder whether I’m being too strict—is he too young to understand what I expect of him? Other times, I wonder whether I’m being too lenient—maybe he’s old enough to understand the meaning behind his actions.

The husband and I are currently reading Douglas Wilson’s Standing on the Promises: A Handbook for Biblical Childrearing. Though the days of exasperation are few (one thing I’ve learned: don’t let those harder days rob you of your enjoying your child)—when I do feel concerned about my dealings with Nathaniel, I am deeply comforted that Lee and I do not have to stand alone in our parenting. The Bible is full of wisdom on how to parent children. Not only that, the Bible is full of promises for the future of our children if we obey God’s instruction on childrearing.

I feel uplifted and encouraged by Douglas Wilson’s book so far. Not only because he is so scriptural but because he is so firm in what the Bible does say about the raising of our children. Consider the introductory chapter:

Parents are responsible to maintain a biblical culture in the home through loving discipline, teaching, and prayer, and by screening all the sinful cultivating influences coming from the outside world—whether on television, on the radio, in books, at school, or from friends.

This means that children should view the home as not simply the place where they eat and sleep, but where they are taught and shaped. They should view home as the center of their world. They should see it as their primary culture—and always view the larger culture in the light of what they have learned at home.”
(11)

Upon reading this, parents may feel overwhelmed by the burden that seems to be placed on them. But, again, what gives us determination is that we do not do it alone. We have clear instruction from God’s Word. We know that we can hold God to His Word. Consider how Wilson ends the chapter:

Some may object and say that this is a burden that no fallen parent can bear—who is sufficient for these things? The answer of course is that in ourselves none of us is sufficient. But these promises were given, not to the angels, but to us. The angels could be perfect parents, except they are not parents. The promises of the covenant are given to forgiven sinners. And because they are gospel promises they are ours by grace through faith. Christian parents should anticipate seeing their children grow up knowing the Lord. This should not be seen as an oddity—the oddity should be children who fall away… For covenantally faithful parents, because the promise of Scripture cannot be broken, the Lord’s gracious calling of our children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren is something in which we can rest.” (21)

Throughout the book, Wilson lays out the duties of parents as taught in Scripture, but points out the three basic duties of parents:

1. Personal obedience yourself (Col. 2:21). In a Christian home the children are under the authority of parents who are under authority themselves. Nothing undermines godly parenting more than hypocrisy. When children see that they are expected to be obedient to the parents’ authority while the parents have no such expectation for themselves, the results are regularly disastrous.

2. Intercession for your children (Job 1:5). As the context makes clear, Job was righteous in what he was doing. Not only did Job pray for his children, he did so as their representative. Our modern mentality is that the home is simply a traditional cultural system for organizing roommates. But Job did not pray for his children because he liked them, or because he was close to them. He prayed because he was responsible. He offered sacrifice for their sin.

3. Instruction in God’s standards (Deut. 6:4-9). We must notice that the greatest commandment is given to us in the context of a passage on bringing up our children with a Christian education. Parents are to teach their children the law of God, and they are to do so without ceasing. We see here a life-style of teaching the standards of God. (37-38)

By the grace of God—every day is a new day to do it all over again. I pray that Lee and I endure. That we don’t take shortcuts. That he, and I, and us, in our marriage, be sanctified—so that it may glorify Him, and so that Nathaniel will grow up in this home—this world—seeing God. I pray that Nathaniel will one day unearth the absolute joy that knowing the Creator brings. God, show us mercy when we fail, when we sin. Be patient with us. We are slow at learning. Fill every crevice of this home. Amen.

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