True Quality Time

Gloomy day today. I’m sitting at my writing desk, which is in front of our master bedroom window. It looks out into a forest. I haven’t stepped outside, but I can tell it’s windy. The leaves are filling the air like a mass of birds in the sky.

Just put Nathaniel in the crib. He cried for about three seconds before beginning his self-soothing (fingers in mouth, head turned to the side). At night now, he falls asleep fuss-free about 80% of the time. Every night, I am hoping that he won’t cry because it is so painful to listen to. Sometimes, I start crying myself. But I heed the advice in the book I’m reading and the amazing results I’m already seeing, and I let Nathaniel cry on.

One case study in Dr. Weissbluth’s book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, has a mother saying this about letting a baby cry himself to sleep:

“You, as parents, have to understand and believe intellectually that it is the right thing to do. Otherwise feelings of guilt will overpower you, and you will give in. You must have the support of your spouse, as it will be too much of a strain to bear it alone.

You are doing what is best for your baby. It seems cruel and unacceptable as a loving new mother to let your baby cry. But it is a fact of parenting—many, many things will bring tears and protests in the years to come.” (p. 303)

Dr. Weissbluth also provides this helpful suggestion:

"When your child is crying and she is not hungry, say to yourself: 'My baby is crying because she loves me so much she wants my company, but she needs to sleep. I know the value of good sleep, and I love my baby so much that I am going to let her sleep." (p. 262)

Last night, Nathaniel was so tired he was sleeping even as I was burping him. I put him down at 7:30 p.m. (the sleep-training is working so effectively that his bedtime is naturally becoming earlier and earlier—I don’t even have to impose it, he just shows signs that he wants to be put in bed at an early hour). The baby monitor goes off at 8:00: Nathaniel is crying intensely. I go to him after 15 minutes or so because I can’t bear it. He burps shortly after I pick him up (he didn’t burp earlier because he had fallen asleep). Unfortunately, though he fell asleep successfully on his own the first time around, he is frustrated the second time around, because he is overtired now and self-soothing isn’t going to do it. He cries for 45 minutes before falling asleep again, but he doesn’t wake up until almost six hours later.

This morning, I tiptoe into his room, thinking he is asleep because the house is quiet. From six feet away, I peer into his crib. His eyes are open. He’s just staring into space. At this point, I can hear my mom’s voice saying to me, “If he’s not complaining, just leave him.” I know I should, but he looks so “delicious” at that moment, playing by himself in his crib, I can’t help but approach him and give him my morning smile. He smiles back, then opens his arms wide, ready to be picked up. Oh—the joys of motherhood!

Thanksgiving weekend. More time with Daddy. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday morning, when Nathaniel awakens, I bring him to the family bed. Here I am, lying beside the two most cherished boys in my life: Lee on my right and Nathaniel on my left. Nathaniel turns his head back and forth, touching Mommy’s face, then Daddy’s. With me, he smiles. With Daddy, he’s got almost a pensive look, as if studying him, as if knowing, “You’re not normally beside me in the morning.” I guess that’s why he tries to reach for him.

In Dr. Dobson’s Bringing up Boys, there’s an observation that is sadly true about today’s families:

“Most of the time [children] spend with their family is what you call ‘family and time’: family and TV, family and dinner, family and homework, etc. The lives of each family member are usually so jam-packed that the opportunity to spend time together doing unique activities—talking about life, visiting special places, playing games, and sharing spiritual explorations—has to be scheduled in advance. Few do so.”

In one way or another, I’m hoping that Lee and I don’t fall into this trap. That the time we spend with Nathaniel is true quality time. That he doesn’t become secondary to the activity we are engaging in.

As Dr. Dobson concludes in the same chapter:

“Your task as a mother, in conjunction with your husband, is to build a man out of the raw materials available in this delightful little boy, stone upon stone upon stone. Never assume for a moment that you can ‘do your own thing’ without serious consequences for him. I believe this task must be your highest priority for a period of time. It will not always be required of you. Before you know it, that child at your feet will become a young man who will pack his bags and take his first halting steps into the adult world. Then it will be your turn. By all expectations, you should have decades of health and vigor left to invest in whatever God calls you to do. But for now, there is a higher calling. I feel obligated to tell you this, whether my words are popular or not. Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility. Besides, living by that priority when kids are small will produce the greatest rewards at maturity.” (p. 108)

This is a good reminder to me. I’ve always been a multi-tasker, very often engaging in multiple responsibilities at once—usually, doing two academic programs simultaneously, meanwhile teaching and serving in church. The sleep-training is going so well, that not only am I happy for Nathaniel’s growth, but my thoughts are wandering to the things I can accomplish now—my thesis, my remaining courses for my seminary degree, my short stories, my journaling, my leisure reading. All these things are also great loves of mine—but I must remember Dr. Dobson’s words and always put Nathaniel first.

Well, it has been forty minutes. Lately, Nathaniel’s naps have ranged anywhere between 1 hour and 3 hours. I want to move onto one more task before he wakes up.

Bit the Bullet, Took the Plunge

Well, I moved Nathaniel to the crib three nights ago. The first night was a fluke. He appeared fussy at 7:00 p.m., so I put him down for a “nap” (he usually goes to bed at 9:00 p.m.). He wound up waking at 1:30 a.m. This made me realize that he was, indeed, ready to be placed in the crib.

The first official night was rather successful. He fell asleep both times with no fuss (that is, every 6 hours, after a feeding). The past two nights, there was some intense crying, though no more than 20-30 minutes.

Might I recommend the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth to new parents who want to sleep train their baby? The methods didn’t work so much for the first two months, but now that I’m rereading this book and applying it once again, his methods seem to be working. My sister recommended that I read Baby Wise when I was still pregnant; that book was helpful, but Weissbluth’s book is much more detailed and pragmatic—offering up strategies to correct the poor sleeping habits of a baby.

He’s very much an advocate of protecting a baby’s sleep schedule. As I confessed a month ago, I was taking “shortcuts” to put Nathaniel to sleep (i.e., taking trips to friends’ houses, to the mall, so he’d fall asleep in the car, in the stroller, in the swing, etc.). To add to that, it was rather “boring” to be at home all the time, and the weather was so nice, it was hard to lock myself indoors. My sister told me that this was what was required if I really wanted to sleep train the baby. Stay home for a week at least and focus only on sleep training. I have done so more or less the past two weeks, and seriously, there is a drastic difference in Nathaniel’s sleeping habits.

Now, my life is all about Nathaniel’s schedule, not mine (once or twice a week, I go out for a few hours). Scheduled feedings (3.5 to 4 hours). If he wants to be fed, I try to entertain him, play with him, take him out to distract him. These are periods of wakefulness, which Weissbluth says should be no more than 1 to 2 hours. Then, when the baby shows signs of tiredness (he has a list of these signs in his book), it’s time to begin the soothing period and put the baby in the crib (drowsy, but not asleep).

One obstacle has therefore been eliminated. I no longer feel the pressure to “nurse” him to sleep. That is, once he’s fallen asleep in my arms, I no longer have to worry about—If I get up, is he going to wake? Even if he opens his eyes upon my standing up and placing him in the crib, 75% of the time, he does not protest—he opens his eyes for a brief second, then drifts to sleep. (The only time he complains is when he is overtired or he isn’t as tired as I suspected that he was, in which case, I keep him awake a bit longer, then try the whole putting him to the crib thing again).

The main problem I have now, which I have to figure out how to eliminate, is that though Nathaniel sleeps through the night in his crib, he seems to wake at 4:00 a.m. every night and stays completely awake until 5:15 a.m. Playing, crying, fussing… on and off, on and off.

(I write this as Nathaniel is napping. I didn’t even mean to put him down for a nap; I put him down so I could wash the dishes this morning, and the next thing I knew, he fell asleep in the playpen and it’s been an hour!!!)

There have been some nice changes already in my life, though I miss having him sleep beside me. It’s the best feeling to wake up with him next to me in the morning; he looks over, wide-eyed, smiles, begins talking to me, and reaching out to touch my face. My eyes tear up knowing that those moments will be gone in a short while.

At the same time, I can sleep without being self-conscious about whether I will wake Nathaniel with every movement that I make. Plus, before sleeping, I have time to read now, since I can turn the light on, and ruffle around the pages in a book. At odd hours of the morning, when Nathaniel is crying and I can’t sleep (since I’m listening intently to the monitor to hear if he’s okay), I have time to write in my journal or read. My husband and I are able to spend time without Nathaniel during dinner (twice so far). All this knowing that Nathaniel is developing good, healthy sleeping habits and growing more independent. Biting the bullet, taking the plunge—the results were gradual, but oh so worth it! I can’t describe the joy I feel as a result of such a simple achievement.

Weissbluth’s schedule for the five to twelve month old is as follows:

Bedtime 6:00 to 8:00 p.m. (for Nathaniel, it’s been between 9:00 and 10:00 p.m., but I’m hoping this will change. Before, it was because I had him in the kitchen playpen with me while I cooked and so he could play with Daddy when he came home from work. Soon, however, I’m going to “protect the sleep schedule,” and put him down whether Daddy comes home on time or not.)

First awakening (for Nathaniel, he wakes up at around 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. for the first feeding)

Second awakening (for Nathaniel, he wakes up at around 4:00, but I don’t go to him until 5:30 or 6:00; I check on him, and keep turning on the mobile – without his seeing me – but I don’t feed him. If he sees me, he’ll actually wind up crying louder and longer)

Start the day at 7:00 a.m. (for Nathaniel, it’s been between 9:00 and 10:00 a.m., since he’s up for almost two hours between 4:00 a.m. and 6:00 a.m.)

First Nap (for Nathaniel, this is anywhere between 12:00 p.m. and 1:30; initially, it took me as long as two hours to put him down for his first nap; he kept refusing to sleep; I kept picking him up, holding him for 10-15 minutes, then putting him back down again; he resisted less and less as I continued to consistently put him down for a nap)

Two hours of wakefulness (for Nathaniel, it’s 2-3 hours of wakefulness, which includes play time, going out, grocery shopping, or my doing chores with him in the carrier when I can)

Second Nap

Two hours of wakefulness

Third nap (varies)

Two hours of wakefulness

It’ll be another several weeks before I’ll see how Nathaniel learns. But as EVERY experienced parent has told me, a baby/child learns best with consistency. Last night, Lee saw me so exhausted from the previous night, he suggested, “Why don’t you bring him to bed tonight, so you get some rest?” I shook my head, though it was tempting. “I have to be consistent. I just put him in the crib—there is no turning back now.” If the crying gets too bad at night (which I know it will at times), maybe Lee will have to get ear plugs, if he wants to get his much needed rest for the next work day.

If anyone is reading the past entries of this blog, my subject seems to be focused on Nathaniel’s sleep habits. That’s because this is my life now. I’m enjoying it—seeing him grow, even sleeping on his own, makes me tearful when he starts to do other things on his own. As my sister warned me yesterday, “Wait till he learns to crawl away from you…”